Jerry Seinfeld Quotations

Guest Author - Danielle Hollister

Celebrate National Humor Month with this amusing collection of funny quotations from famous comedians.

by Jerry Seinfeld

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
"... even went to the moon just to see if there any women there. That's why we brought that little car. Why would you bring a car unless there was some chance of a date."
"Father's don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming."
"First ten years of my life I think the only clear thought that I had was ... "Get Candy!""
"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
"I don't understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it on upper thighs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider."
"I think eventually fashion won't exist. I think someday we'll all wear the same thing. Because anytime I see a movie or a TV show where there are people from the future or another planet, they're all wearing the same outfit."
"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
"The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets. He dealt with it all. He had to, he was Superman."
"The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be."
"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life."
"The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt."
"To me the hardest part of being a professional football player is on the one hand you're a millionaire on the other they blow a whistle and you have to run around after a football."
"What are they planting to grow these seedless watermelons? The watermelons aren't humping ... are they ?"
"When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options."
"Why don't we fly up to the moon and then drive around ... that is the essence of male thinking right there !"
"Would you (women) like to know what men are thinking ? The truth ... the honest truth of what they are thinking ? Nothing !!"