Guest Author - Marianne Gibson

I first noticed something wrong a few years ago, talking to a Russian friend of mine in London. She’d been dieting, going to the gym, had her hair done and, generally was looking great. What do you do in this situation? People always like to hear their results appreciated don’t they? ‘Lena, you’re looking fantastic, your skin is great, your hair is so shiny, you’re looking so young and fresh and beautiful. I’m quite jealous!’ Her face dropped. A moment’s pause and she brushed off my compliments with a grunt. I forgot about it.

Later, in Russia, I was asked to give a toast at a party. Russian toasts are always sentimental, and as a foreigner I was all the more determined to come up to scratch. I lavished praise on my hosts, their intelligent children, the beautiful life they had made for themselves. Oh dear, again that awkward feeling, embarrassed looks, but why? What was I doing so wrong? Do Russians really share that discomfort with praise that I thought was a mark of my own British culture? Are they, despite all signs to the contrary, lacking in self-esteem?

No, it’s certainly not that. They simply wish to hold on to the advantages they have. In traditional belief, directing my attention over-zealously on current strengths and successes, I was inviting a curse to fall upon them.

Praise directly relating to a person’s health, their children, their comfortable circumstances, strong relationships successful career is a dangerous thing. in the words of a mystic on Russian channel TDK, it invites the ethereal world to draw up these favours, thus ending them. Other people see it as a curse, or sglaz, unintentional or not, like pouring lemon juice into fresh milk. Jealousy may also be contained in the words, making them doubly dangerous.

Do people really believe this? They do, and here are some examples I was given; Evgeniya received an unexpected compliment on her perfect teeth. The next week, she got toothache for the first time in her life. Another friend of mine was living happily with his girlfriend in Moscow, when acquaintances remarked on how stable and 'ideal' his relationship was. A few weeks later and everything was over between him and his partner.

This doesn’t mean you can’t compliment the cook at a dinner party, remark on a new hairstyle etc. This type of completed work is already removed from the person, and cannot be altered by your words. Likewise, you can toast to future happiness and prosperity (indeed, it’s very common). Current states and situations are what hold the danger.

What other conversational pitfalls await the uninformed?
Don’t ever wish a Russian happy birthday, or New Year, or anything else in advance of the day itself. This is considered tempting fate, and very unlucky.

Of course, not every Russian believes in the power of words over the material world. But it pays to be careful, doesn't it?