Well it's back! And to quote a certain foxy black-clad BB diva - Oh. My. God. In years gone by, it's taken us weeks to warm up to the characters as everyone has maintained a lovely polite cocktail party demeanour until a few weeks in. We complain "It's not as good as last year" and begin to consider unplugging ourselves from the E4 live feed.

Not so this year. Oh no. BB9 is here and it's taking no prisoners. After the lovely Davina ran round the house flashing her bits on Thursday night, we quickly realised things would be a bit different this year. No stropping for hair straighteners this year, no "three strikes and you're reprimanded sharply" - BB is getting hardcore on these housemates. First of all, there's a jail in the garden, wallpapered with severed dolls heads. Spooky. Then there's the luxury bedroom with swags and tails and lush double beds, but also the spartan dorm room with lumpy thin mattresses and scratchy blankets. Third, and most welcome, addition to the house is the token system. Housemates have been given five tokens, and they must come to a joint decision as to when each token will be used, for such "luxuries" as a day of hot water, hairdryers/clippers/straighteners or alcohol.

Already the housemates are in uproar over this. Nikki Grahame move over, the new queen of the diary room is crowned. Alex is the most obnoxious housemate so far (and yes, I saw dirty BB6 Kinga and that wine bottle in the garden). When she's not shouting herself literally hoarse at Big Brother for treating her in an "unhumane"� [sic] fashion (not giving her hot showers), she's shouting at her blind housemate, Mikey, who somehow had the good grace not to punch her in the gob while she ranted at him in her horrible hag-like screech. I suspect Alex has signed her own release papers with that one, overstepping the mark in a most atrocious fashion by picking on the most severely disabled housemate ever, who politely asked her to confirm her name for him after the tirade, presumably so he could avoid her in future.

But if that wasn't enough juice for you, then we have possibly the best inaugural task ever. Upon entering the house as Big Brother's first ever couple, perma-tanned fat-necked Mario and his similarly orange gladiatrix bird Lisa were immediately thrown into an incredibly confusing situation. Mario, Lisa, Steph and Luke were the first four housemates, and are all part of task number one. Mario and Lisa must not give away to the rest of the housemates (apart from Steph and Luke) that they are a couple, and Mario and Steph have to pretend to be they are together instead. Fine for an evening, but BB stretches the play out for three whole days - and throws a fake proposal and wedding into the bargain as well. Vacuous Steph is a horrible actress, and as a result the whole house is onto the fact it's a sham, especially Perez Hilton wannabe Dennis. A Scottish housemate who is permanently affecting an unlikely American accent, Dennis is leading a tribe of housemates into objecting to the fake wedding, with the exception of Rebecca who is concerned that there will be a mortifying scene in which it turns out to be real! Who knows what will happen?! Well, actually everybody by now, but I'm writing this on Sunday, so not me. I'm biting my fingernails - if you're not watching, come read my next instalment for Week 2.

Other housemates:

Katreya - A most "hirarious and bizarre" cookie-loving Thai housemate who will win if there is any justice in the world. Love. Her.
Luke - Not quite as irritating as his prefecty audition video promised.
Rebecca - She loves Coventry. Bless.
Mikey - Blind, funny, loves dressing up.
Darnell & Mohamed - Lumping them together as they're the boys with the banter, flying under the radar so far, but they'll come into their own.
Everyone else is supremely boring so far - we'll just have to wait and see.

KATREYA FOR THE WIN!