O Day: Positive ovulation predictor test yesterday. Perfect BBT temperature chart so far. Tons of cervical mucus. It is working. Please let this be the perfect egg. And his eyes. I want the baby to have his eyes. If I get pregnant today, my due date will be...just a week before his birthday. How perfect would that be?

4 DPO (days past ovulation): I think I feel sick to my stomach. I can't know already can I? My mom said she could tell from day 1 with her first baby. Maybe I really am pregnant. Thank goodness, no more infertility treatments, no more stupid questions about when we are planning to have kids.

7 DPO: I can start testing Thursday. No, wait, the tests say they might work as early as Monday. Maybe I should, just so I know for sure. I mean, they say to start being careful about your diet from the beginning. How will I know I need to be careful unless I test early. Well, a doughnut now won't hurt the baby.

12 DPO: If I test too soon it is a waste of a test. Besides, those things add up. And a negative test will just depress me. I need to know. I hate suspense, I just need to know! White, just pure white where that line should be. This is only day 12! Of course, it just doesn't work yet. I might BE pregnant.

13 DPO: Is that a line? There is a little bit of a different color where the positive line is supposed to be. Kind of. Wait, no, that is a trick of the light. Evaporation lines? A really light positive. No, it has been ten minutes. I will NOT cry.

14 DPO 7 AM: I am not even going to test. My temp chart is still up. Testing again will jinx it. I'll wait until next week and the positive will be so dark I can't mistake it. My period will start today if I am not pregnant anyway.

14 DPO 10 AM: I will NOT test yet. Dangit, was that a cramp. That felt like a cramp. I ca't get my period. Please, dear Lord, don't let me get my period. I want a baby, this baby, this month, I need to be pregnant this time. I can't take another "negative panty test." No, that wasn't a cramp. It could have been implantation pains. Right?

14 DPO 10:30 AM: I can't take it. I need to test NOW. Where is that test?

14 DPO 10:40 AM: I have to STOP crying long enough to go to this meeting. I can do this. We'll just try again next month. I can do this. Maybe I don't even want kids. Noisy, messy things. I need to just travel, or get a hobby, or .... Why on earth did I wear mascara today? You'd think I'd learn. What is wrong with me? Why can a 15 year old kid in the back seat of a car do something that I can't get right even with a team of trained professionals, expensive drugs, temperature charts and a baby-dance card that was punched in time, every time?

15 DPO: Still no period. I must be pregnant. I'm late, the test is just not registering right. I am one of those women who just takes forever to test positive. I think I feel a little sick to my stomach. And tired. I definitely feel tired. See, late period, sick to my stomach, tired. This is our month. I can just feel it.

17 DPO: Three days late. I knew it, we are going to have a spring baby. That is so cool. Maybe I could just surf on over to that cool online store and see the cute stuff. I mean, if I am pregnant, I need to start planning, right? What was that store called... Yes! Little for Now. I've waited long enough for this baby. I am doing everything right. No chemicals will pass my child's lips until they are 18. I'll breast feed til they potty train. I'll get it right, cause I have worked too hard for this baby to take even the smallest risk that anything could ever go wrong. I'll be the perfect mother.

Day 17 3:00 PM: Here I am, slumped against the wall in the bathroom, sobbing so hard I can't catch my breath. Why was I so stupid? I should have known I wasn't pregnant. I need to just accept that I will never have a baby. I'll learn to sew, or paint, or .... Oh, Gid! Why? I know a thousand people who don't even treat their kids right. Why?

CD 1: I'm going to do it this month, I'll make sure we baby dance every other day, the whole month, no matter how tired I am. I'll eat only organic food. I won't have a sip of caffeine. No white sugar. No white flour. I'll gag down 20 vitamins and herbs and even use injectables if I must.