Celebrate National Humor Month with this amusing collection of funny quotations from famous comedians.
by Grace Allen (Gracie)
- "A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy."
- "All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for their country, which is ridiculous. I haven't done anything yet, and I think it's just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share."
- "As I look...at all these trusting and loving faces...tears come into my eyes...and if you must know why...it's because my girdle is killing me."
- "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
- "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
- "Gracie, why should I give your mother a bushel of nuts? What'd she ever give me?" "Why, George, she gave you me. And I'm as good as nuts."
- ""Gracie, did the maid ever drop you on your head when you were a baby?" "Don't be silly, George, we couldn't afford a maid. My mother had to do it.""
- ""Gracie, would you like a Doctor? "One at a time, kiddo, I'm not through with you yet.""
- "I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best."
- "I read in the papers that the Los Angeles police are hunting for a Chicago gangster. But why do they want one from Chicago? Can't they be satisfied with a hometown boy?"
- "I stand before you tonight a simple, plain woman... (GROANS) which is not my fault, but the beautician can't take me till tomorrow."
- "I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half."
- "If the deficit still seems too high, I'll sing it again... starting a half-note lower."
- "I'm a very lucky woman. I was courted by the youngest, handsomest, most charming, most sought-after star in show business - but I still married George because I loved him."
- "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
- "Keep up your morning exercises, because every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground."
- "Let the others make statues of Apollo and Mercury and Hercules... You're the man I want to chisel."
- "Let's all put our shoulders to the wheel and push the Ship of State further into the mud."
- "[on phone] No, the doctor isn't in just now. Oh, he won't be back for a long, long time. He went out on one of those eternity cases."
- "Take my little nephoo . . . if you can use a little nephoo."
- "The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony."
- "There's no job for George because I don't think it's dignified for the President's husband to work. People would be whispering that I can't support him."
- "This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances."
- "You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about ... ?"
- "(asked how to speak French) You speak it the same way you speak English, you just use different words."
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