Humor Quotations - Quotations

Guest Author - Danielle Hollister

Celebrate National Humor Month with this amusing collection of funny quotations from famous comedians.

by Grace Allen (Gracie)

"A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy."
"All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for their country, which is ridiculous. I haven't done anything yet, and I think it's just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share."
"As I look...at all these trusting and loving faces...tears come into my eyes...and if you must know why...it's because my girdle is killing me."
"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
"Gracie, why should I give your mother a bushel of nuts? What'd she ever give me?" "Why, George, she gave you me. And I'm as good as nuts."
""Gracie, did the maid ever drop you on your head when you were a baby?" "Don't be silly, George, we couldn't afford a maid. My mother had to do it.""
""Gracie, would you like a Doctor? "One at a time, kiddo, I'm not through with you yet.""
"I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best."
"I read in the papers that the Los Angeles police are hunting for a Chicago gangster. But why do they want one from Chicago? Can't they be satisfied with a hometown boy?"
"I stand before you tonight a simple, plain woman... (GROANS) which is not my fault, but the beautician can't take me till tomorrow."
"I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half."
"If the deficit still seems too high, I'll sing it again... starting a half-note lower."
"I'm a very lucky woman. I was courted by the youngest, handsomest, most charming, most sought-after star in show business - but I still married George because I loved him."
"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
"Keep up your morning exercises, because every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground."
"Let the others make statues of Apollo and Mercury and Hercules... You're the man I want to chisel."
"Let's all put our shoulders to the wheel and push the Ship of State further into the mud."
"[on phone] No, the doctor isn't in just now. Oh, he won't be back for a long, long time. He went out on one of those eternity cases."
"Take my little nephoo . . . if you can use a little nephoo."
"The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony."
"There's no job for George because I don't think it's dignified for the President's husband to work. People would be whispering that I can't support him."
"This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances."
"You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about ... ?"
"(asked how to speak French) You speak it the same way you speak English, you just use different words."

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