Guest Author - Jennifer Minekheim

Anger is a universal emotion. Even the calmest, most even-tempered people deal with it on a daily basis. What makes us angry? Almost anything, really. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we might make a rude hand gesture, swear, or slam on the horn. If a co-worker says something we think is stupid in a meeting, we grit our teeth and roll our eyes. Our loved ones have an even greater power to make us feel the strongest of emotions. We may always love our children, our siblings, our spouses, but we don’t always like them, do we?

Anger can affect everyone differently. Some people can be furious one moment, but five minutes later it’s been completely forgotten. For others, though, anger can linger and fester, lasting anywhere from a few moments to a lifetime. Sometimes it seems logical to carry a grudge. We live in a world where both wonderful and truly terrible things happen to people on a regular basis, and sometimes the bad things are very difficult to overcome. Anger frequently seems justified, and sometimes necessary to help us deal with the obstacles that confront us.

It may be justified, but chances are, our anger is making us a lot more miserable than the person we are angry at. Holding a grudge can consume our lives. It can increase our stress level, and long-term feelings of anger and frustration have long been thought to be associated with a host of health problems, such as high blood pressure, headaches, and gastrointestinal issues. Anger can also cause us to behave irrationally, alienating our friends, coworkers, and loved ones.

How do we break the destructive cycle of anger and negative energy? First, we need to identify when we are angry. Sometimes I can walk around feeling as if something is just not right for quite a while before I realize that I am actually stewing over something that happened several days earlier. Once you have identified what we are feeling and why, you need to decide on a course of action. Think about what needs to happen to make you feel better about the situation you are in right now. Should you confront them? Do you need to remove yourself from the situation by breaking contact with that person, either temporarily or on a more long-term basis?

Every situation is different, but when deciding on a course of action, be realistic about your expectations. You may think it’s going to make you feel better to tell your friend, loved one, or boss how their actions have upset you, only to be even angrier when they don’t respond the way you think they should. A sincere apology from someone we feel has wronged us can definitely help us heal, but apologies are not always given freely. When people are confronted about their actions, they may become defensive, or simply may not feel that they have done anything wrong. They may be unwilling to stop doing whatever it is they did or said to upset you. If that happens, you may have to decide whether you are able to continue interacting with that person. Sometimes we can accept certain behaviors from our loved ones, and other times, the answer may be no.

Sometimes we are unable to confront the person who has caused us pain. Maybe we are holding a grudge against a person that who is no longer in our lives. Even when people are available for confrontation, it is not always feasible to express our feelings. In those situations, we have to figure out other ways to deal with our feelings, and move on with our lives. Some people find it helpful to write a letter to the person they are upset with, stating exactly how they feel, but to not send it. Sometimes, just seeing the words down on paper can help us to acknowledge our feelings and deal with them. Keeping a journal can also be helpful in that manner.

Once we have done all we can to resolve our issues, how do we move on? Keep busy! For some of us, activities such as yoga and meditation can help us feel more at peace, while for others, a brisk run or a good workout can really do the trick. Volunteering, or spending time with children or other loved ones can cheer us up because they take the focus off ourselves and force us to think of other people. Take on a new challenge, such as a new hobby, a class, or a new project at work. Learning a new skill can take our minds off our troubles and bring us an enormous sense of accomplishment as well.

Taking steps to deal with feelings of anger and hurt can enable us to pursue the things that bring us joy and satisfaction. In some cases, however, we cannot resolve our feelings on our own. If you feel that you have done everything you could to resolve your situation, but you still feel unable to let your anger go and experience joy, talking to a trained professional such as a therapist or a psychologist may help. There are people trained specifically in stress and anger management that can offer you some concrete assistance, and you may be able to get a referral through your family doctor, your health insurance carrier, an employee assistance program that may be offered by your employer, or your local Department of Health and Human Services.

Sometimes anger can be a healthy emotion, causing us to assert ourselves or make needed improvements in our lives. Lingering anger, however, can make us miserable. Take control of negativity and lead a happier life today!