The first thing one should do after receiving a cancer diagnosis is to try deal with the news. By ‘dealing with it’ I mean – understand it, understand your prognosis and find out what your future treatment entails. Children of all ages will react according to the ‘way’ the parent breaks the news to them. If you are in a state of tears, your child will surely follow. Have the other parent, family member or friend present when telling them – but most importantly; TELL THEM. As we all know, children are very clever little sponges of vibes. They will most certainly pick up on any undercurrents of stress in the household. By withholding important information from them they might feel insignificant, abandoned, fearful, not trusted and lonely. The last thing a parent wants is to have their children feel excluded in the household. Therefore – get your facts straight, rehearse with someone and then embrace them with the truth.

The age of the child is important. A 4y old will not be interested, and won’t understand cell multiplication and words like ‘metastasised’. Children over the age of 8 might ask more questions, and one should answer accordingly. Teenagers might even want to research your condition on the net. Sit with them and make it a team effort. Although age will determine the details of your explanations, age will not determine a child’s dealing with fear. The fact that your 12y old asks more questions than your 4y old does not mean your 12y old is ‘dealing’ with it better. All children have one major ‘fear’ and that is; ‘Who will take care of me?’ This should not be seen as a selfish need but a cry for help.

Importantly – all children think that somehow, they caused your illness. This is a fact. Explain to even your 18y old that the body is a complex machine and sometimes things go wrong. TELL them that they have nothing to do with your illness. Children will not word this fear – you have to TELL them. Explain to them what your treatment will entail and how it might influence the household. Discuss with them the most appropriate ‘plans of action’ when you go for treatment, are in hospital, feel sick etc. Let them choose who they want to take over – driving to school, doing homework with etc. As long as they feel there are plans in place they will definitely feel less insecure. The fact that YOU are making the plans also shows them that you as a parent are still in control. General routine should also stay in place. Children thrive on discipline (fact) and this should not be the time to ‘let them loose’. It will eventually just put even more pressure on the household. You are still the adult. Your parenting skills will be tested – that’s just the way kids are. Give children a few extra chores if necessary but be careful not to load too much on them. Especially teenagers are often seen as ‘little adults’ under these circumstances. They still need to ‘chill’ with their friends and hang out in malls. But remember to stick to your rules, limits and curfews.

As mentioned earlier – children pick up on grief, sadness and stress. Update them on your progress, for the better or worse. Questions like ‘are you going to die?’ might arise. This is obviously a very sensitive one. As long as you know there is still treatment available, tell them that you and your clever doctor will be fighting this with all your might. Explain to them that nowadays treatment is much better than years ago and that you might go through ups-and-downs, but cannot say what the future will bring. During your treatment you may/should show emotions. To shed a tear now-and-then is ok. Your child should also understand that crying is fine. Everybody feels down, fearful and hopeless now-and-then. Also allow them their grief. Ask them how they feel and what they are thinking. Especially the very young and very sensitive child might battle to ask questions or explain feelings. Some children even regress in times like this and suddenly act in exaggerated ways. The quiet ones become even quieter. The angry one will explode harsher. Remember: children express through behaviour, not through words!! Kids don’t always ask – therefore you must TELL. In cases of extreme changes one can always get the help of a counsellor. For a child to have a grown-up confidant in the form of a family member or family friend is also a great idea.

Lastly – don’t forget to celebrate good news and progress. Take many pictures and build on memories. Still have fun times and never forget their personal lives and achievements. Go to their soccer games, congratulate on good reports and always be what they need – their parent.