HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REAL TEACHER
- Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.
- Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
- Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
- Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
- Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
- Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.
- Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
- Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
- Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
- Read teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
- Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
- Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.
- Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
- Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
- Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.
- Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.
- Read teachers can "sense" gum.
- Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.
- Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
- Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
- Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
- Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.
- Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.
- Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
- Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
- Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.
- Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.
