Guest Author - Lauren Evans

He’s back. And he’s meaner than ever.

Season Four of The Apprentice is underway, and the programme is once again posing the question “Would anyone in their right mind want to work for Alan Sugar?” and then answering it with a resounding NO!

The world of Alan Sugar is a strange one indeed. First of all, he insists all of his employees refer to him as “Sir Alan”. Even Margaret Mountford and Nick Hewer, his stony-faced Representatives on Earth have to call him Sir Alan. Then there’s his habit of banging on about how he came from nothing and had to engage in lots of “hard graft”, usually “dahn the markets” selling his little Victorian socks off. It’s like Bart Simpson’s Cockney barrow boy impression on a constant nightmarish loop. For season four, he seems to have adopted a lovely new tactic (pinched from Anne Robinson on the Weakest Link, I believe) where he attempts to make witty put-down-puns out of the candidates work experience. It’s every bit as lame as when Anne does it, only she knows she’s playing the pantomime villain. You can tell that it’s genuine Sir Alan humour, because no writer on the planet would put their name to those gags.

Let’s forget then, for a moment, that these unfortunate idiots are vying for Britain’s Worst Job and meet some of the contenders.

Raef – Impossibly posh, utterly hilarious, will go far. It’s good to know that people this ridiculously British still exist.

Lucinda – Resident nutter. An item of clothing for every spectrum colour, topped off with a lovely beret. Even when selling fish. A beret is not a fish-selling hat.

Lindi – Very loud, very Birmingham, could sell you a bag of cat poo for forty quid and you’d walk away smiling. I suspect Lindi is actually Ruth Badger (post-extreme makeover) coming back for another crack at the whip.

Jenny – Terrifying. Possible wig. Don’t talk over her, because she’ll get her naughty-toddler voice out and use it on you.

Simon – Ex-military man. Likes his work hard and sweaty and loves Raef, who he dubbed his honorary officer (and gentleman?) during last week’s task. I briefly hoped that Raef would dress up in his officer’s whites and sweep Simon off the laundry floor and away to everlasting happiness during the last episode, but sadly this was not to be.

A lot of rugged Northern type blokes, and some others who are currently flying under the radar (considered Very Sneaky Tactics in the world of Reality Television!).

So far, we’ve been lucky enough to see the end of Nicholas de Lacy-Brown (I kid you not) who was exactly as wet as his ridiculous name suggests and Shazia, who managed to get the boot for leaving some simple instructions with her team mates and trusting them to get on with it. The level of boardroom cunning that engineered that one is what makes The Apprentice worth 60 minutes of your life every week.

I can also highly recommend the extra programme shown last week “The Apprentice: Worst Decisions Ever” for those that need an extra mid-week dose of Apprentice madness. Relive all the cringeworthy moments from past seasons again, have a good laugh, and then become slightly depressed that you aren’t earning a six-figure salary while these cretins are!

Lindi for the win!