Many parents make a huge mistake when they treat their children as confidantes before, during and after their divorce. Talking badly about the other parent overtly and subversively is harmful to your child and it is treating your child as a confidante.

It is a bad idea from the get-go for any parental figure to befriend their child in that manner.

First, children are, well, they are children! Children do not need to know adult information about their parents’ personal relationships. It is none of the child’s business why you are divorcing. A simple, “Your father and I just don’t love each other in that way anymore, but we will always love you” will suffice when answering inevitable questions.

Your ex husband’s relationship with his child is not the same as his relationship with you.

It is not your duty to protect your child from your “mean” and “hard” ex-husband unless he is abusive and they are truly in danger. This is their father; they need the room to create their own relationship with him. He is not your father, so therefore he will treat you differently than he treats his child. Obviously, you two have different styles of parenting or showing love; otherwise, you would not be getting a divorce.

Different does not mean wrong, it is just different. Honestly as long as there is no abuse, and there is love, your way is not right and his way is not wrong. As the mother, especially if you have custody, you have a lot of influence over the child’s emotions. You can convince them via your words and actions that their father is a bad person. Nevertheless, why would you want to do that? Someday the children grow up, they will look back on their life with adult eyes, and they will know what you did. They will resent you for it.

As a father, you should not be telling the children bad things about their mom, or calling her names in front of or to the children. This will not endear you to them. They may join in with the name-calling, the gossiping, and the general contempt for their mother in your presence, but it will harm them greatly if you continue. Even if they commiserate with you about their mother, they will be offended by it, as they get older.

You do not need to make up for her lack of discipline on your parenting weekends. All this will do is breed hostility. Show your children love, and separate them in your mind from their mother. The child is not the mother. The child is the child. The child needs you to father him or her. You do not have to be the General and you should not be a friend.

Even in divorce, you need to form a united front as parents of the children. Both of you need to stand up to the children when they try to play one parent against the other, and believe me, they will try it. Even in an intact marriage, children will try it. When you are divorced and show open animosity towards the other parent, you’re just giving them more room to play that game. Don’t do it.

Children of divorce who have parents who openly hate each other often grow up having serious problems forming good partnerships in which to have their own family. They grow up not trusting people. They also usually grow up learning how to lie early because they will tell whatever parent they are with exactly what they want to hear. They are not trying to lie; they are simply trying to survive in the midst of a serious emotional war.

Be a parent to your child and love your child enough to not make them a confidante. I always tell people that they should love their children more than they hate their ex. It is so important to look to tomorrow. If an omnipotent being could write the book of your life, would it be another “Mommy Dearest” book or would it be a story of loving parents who did the best they could raising their children in difficult circumstances.