Guest Author - Rose Thomason
From behind, he looked twelve years old. When he turned around,he looked all of thirteen.
Wearing black, including dress shoes in desperate need of a shine, he stood stiffly, with his hands in his pockets. Standing straight and looking important, he appeared to make his 4' frame look maybe 4'2".
He was a Chihuahua with a Doberman complex. A slightly man such as this would've probably gone unnoticed in the sea of anonymous faces in the bustling burger joint, had he not been a security officer-for In and Out Burger!
I was tempted, very tempted, to steal a burger just to see this guy in action. Seriously, he was the size of my arm and I could easily pin him with my big toe. But then, I thought twice when I gave him the once over and looked...down. You know...down there.
Man, this SOG (Security Officer Guy, what did you think?) had ginormous feet. He could probably water-ski on the weekends, minus the skis. This led me to believe:
1. He was a fast little sucker and could probably outrun me and nab my burger. Or;
2. He was clumsy as hell, like a kid in puberty trying to grow into his feet. And;
3. He drove a monster truck. With a stack of yellow pages in the driver seat. And could easily crush my little car.
I decided to leave the SOG alone and let him tend to the real burger criminals of the world. And really, since when did they start acquiring burger bouncers?
Well, maybe since the burger-related crime has skyrocketed this year. Okay, I don't know exact numbers, but I do know this. Seriously. True story.
I witnessed SOG (Some Other Guy, not to be confused with Security Office Guy) being chased by cops, into another zip code-it was only a few miles, but still-and slapped in cuffs.
Feeling safe and secure once SOG was stuffed into the back of the squad car, this gave me ample opportunity to be nosey and ask the cops what happened. They were quick to tell their story, proud of their recent arresting achievement.
SOG stole fries.
This made me think two things:
1. Man, those must be some good fries.
2. Why just the fries? Why not a burger too? And what's wrong with the shakes? If you're going to steal, do it the right way!
Can you imagine what SOG would say to his future jail cell buddies? "Hey, I'm in for stealing fries. How about you?" Although, I guess he could always be a bit more inventive, like on a resume, and say he's something of a Franchise Burger Joint Thief. Although I'm sure he'd get beat up either way.
But hey, at least I can sleep peacefully at night knowing that the burger-and fry-thieves are safely behind bars where they belong and we have people like SOG (Security Officer Guy) to thank for that.