Sing with me: "Happy Holidays, wooo-oooh". Doris Day and friends were gathered to do a show. Many things went wrong. But in the end, the beautiful snow drifted down, relationship issues were resolved, the honoree was touched deeply, and all ended happily. The song excerpted above brought on the credits.

If only living with grief could be so scripted.

The fact of the matter is, people who have lost a loved one sometimes just can't get in the holiday spirit. The loss need not be recent. If Christmas was Dad's favorite holiday, it's never been the same without him. After the loss of a child, Halloween is torture. Putting out Mom's candlesticks renders her daughter incapable of participating in Shabat service wholeheartedly. For many, the source of the unhappiness may not even be known. It takes a lot of talking and digging to get to the bottom of it.

We don't want to be Scrooge. But what to do?

American society does not tolerate death. In fact, the billions of dollars spent by men and women annually on anti-aging products speaks to our denial. If an employee is lucky, a three day leave is given for a funeral. They are expected to come back to work the same person they were last week. Death is a taboo subject. It's something that happens to other people, not us. We are made to feel guilty if we attempt to express our feelings, because we might offend someone.

And we feel guilty because if we were to enjoy the holidays, it seems we dishonor a memory. One man stopped his family from singing Happy Birthday to him because he had buried his father-in-law the day before, and considered it disrespectful. Oddly, the father-in-law was the type to insist on celebrating.

First of all, give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Of course you are sad. Of course you choke up at times. Some people will think you're flaky, or 'dwelling on things' because you don't put up a Christmas tree. Let them think it. There is a line from the movie Last of the Mohicans: Don't try to understand them, they are a breed apart. And don't expect them to understand you.

Even when the well meaning souls tell you they know how you feel, yet have never experienced a similar loss, you have to let it go. Feel what you feel. Do what is comfortable for you.

An email that has made the circuit tells of a woman who goes to the florist every Valentine's day and orders The Special. The florist then takes out a dozen roses, cuts off the beautiful blooms, and wraps up the thorny stems for the regular client. A horrified observer asks an explantion. "Since she lost her husband," the florist tells, "she uses this occasion to remember that life has its thorns, and we have to accept that to be able to move on."

So if you don't want to decorate, send cards, attend services, dress up or go out, it's okay. Stay home, or go where you'll find comfort. Light a candle and just BE with the memory of the person you're missing. Talk to them. Write them a letter. Go through photos. Do something the two of you used to do. Talk to someone who knew them. In deciding the best course of action, ask yourself this question: What do I need? Answer with brutal honesty, then facilitate getting the need met.

Having said that, of course, we must touch on the statute of limitations. Give yourself a few years to let the grief process. But if it goes longer than that, do talk to someone. No, you will not stop missing the person you lost. Your love never fades. But if you are 'stuck', and not progressing through the process of grief, it may be time to ask help. There is healthy grief and debilitating grief. The latter does not honor your loved one, who always wanted good things for you. To honor a person's memory, you have to be fully alive.

Who you gonna call? Any faith community can give referrals to local grief support groups. You might talk to a clergy person, but only if that person has training in and passion for the subject. It may seem odd that a religious leader might be uncomfortable with your grief. Remember that we all have been given certain gifts, and thankfully each person is unique. Many houses of worship have special holiday services for people like you. Christmas hymns can still be sung, for example, without assuming the singers are excited about the event. You may have to make a few calls, but they are out there. Go.

One of the most healing things you can do on a troublesome holiday is outreach. Volunteer to serve a community meal, visit hospital patients, or a nursing home. Looking beyond yourself and your suffering can bring great understanding and clarity.

And what if you just don't like special occasions, but don't really know why?

The first place to look is family history. Some of your first clues may be poverty, illness, alcoholism, drug abuse, trauma, let down, adoption, physical abuse, loss anniversary, unkept promises, relatives. Stay with your memory a while, recalling as many details as you can. Then go back and look at the situation through adult eyes. Think about what was behind the unpleasantness. Construct a biography of a problematic person. You may come to some shocking conclusions. Then you have to decide if you will allow that person to continue to rob you of your joy, your very life, any longer. The power, and the decision, is totally yours.

Lastly, focus on the real reason for the season. Create your own traditions. Know that you are NOT alone. There ARE people who really do understand. You owe it to yourself, and your Dearly Departed, to find them. Life goes on, and so will you.

Shalom.