Guest Author - Sharon Snow

Part Three of Three

Getting here has been a twisting, turning, stumbling, go forward 1 step,
back 2 steps process that has so many layers and intermingled processes that
I am only able to partially backtrack and see, feel, know what’s happened to
me and know the kind of person I have evolved into today. By listening to
stories of others losses, and being able to relate in many areas, I feel that I’m headed in the right direction, though I am tiptoeing along at my own pace. I look back and see a frightened mom who thought she would never be normal again. I’m not normal like when Matt was alive, but I’m no longer frightened and have developed a new normal that is still evolving. I’m at peace with here and now, and look forward to the future. I trust that Matt is in a much better place but is with me always, wherever I am.
I have met many parents who have suffered incredible losses, yet have gone on to build a new improved version of themselves, stronger and more resilient than before. They share their stories, their heartache, and their
intense pain, so as to lessen mine a bit. The one statement that helped me the
most to know I’m healing is when I heard, “Open your heart and trust.” I was so devastated by Matt’s death; it was hard to venture out into the world, again. It was much easier to stay home and take care of me. Little by little I
began to trust and open my heart to friends and family. I feel so grateful to
have so many loving people around, and I owe them a great debt of gratitude
for hanging in there and continuing to call and show me love and support
even when all I could do was cry. Because they care, I’ve learned to care again, too.

Sharon's email to a sister in sorrow at GriefNet.org.

Dear Jean,
Sorry I missed you on the 5th, but I was with you in spirit and lit a special “BLUE” candle. I’m beginning to feel the buildup for next week. The
13th is 3 years for Matt’s rebirth. I plan to spend the afternoon at the grave, but by myself this year, since John is in California. I am feeling kind of sorry for myself about that, but have had several offers from friends to go with me,but alone seem best at this time. I’m having lots of thoughts and flashbacks and, of course, am seeing lots of “Matt’s” around everywhere. I shopped at the mall today and swore I saw three or four ringers for Matt. One kid appeared in quite a few of the stores I was at, kind of eerie, and then ate lunch at a table quite near ours. He had a lovely friendly face, too,
just like Matt and looked me right in the eye a couple of times. He probably wondered whey I was staring. LOL!! You were one of the first people to respond to me after my son died in September, and your words were so helpful to me at that dark time. You shared your story with openness and honesty, and made me feel normal. I admire you greatly! You have survived so much and you seem so
wise and insightful! I can’t tell you how much that means to me, and how moving your story is. I rely on you, Jean, and anyone else on this list that will listen. Know that I feel your pain, and I’m really truly sorry for your loss. I hope you can hang in there. I’m thinking of you and Blue and sending you that love. My words are clumsy, compared to yours, but I do mean them from the bottom of my heart. Be gentle with yourself. I hope you felt Blue’s love clear and strong.
Love and Light,
Sharon, Mom to Matt