Guest Author - Lisa Shea

People have said to me, "You can't possibly understand what it is to go through XXXX. You've never gone through it." There are many ways to think about this problem. Here are three differing viewpoints on empathy.

* Every human being has similar things occur - life, death, pain, love. These common emotions can be understood. A given situation is merely a combination of some or all of these emotions.

* A given situation type is unique - divorce, death of parent, death of child, loss of job. You cannot understand one 'type' - i.e. divorce - merely by going through other related 'types' - boyfriend leaving, etc. You must go through that exact 'type'.

* Every human is unique, and therefore the way every human experiences something - childbirth, marriage - is completely unique to that person. There is no way one human can truly understand what any other human is going through, period.

These three views, plus all grey views between and outside of these three, have been debated over the years. The answer, of course, lays somewhere in the middle.

It is facile, though perhaps true, to say that no one human can ever understand any other human. A human has lived for many years, had many experiences to form that individual. I may never be able to exactly understand every nuance of a person, but if we both have given birth to a child, we may be able to speak meaningfully about a "common experience" that we both have shared. Even so, where my birth may have gone quite smoothly and not been traumatic, hers may have been full of complications and she may not have been prepared for the physical or emotional burden of the situation. Our "common experience" may actually be two quite different experiences.

On the other hand, can someone who has never in their life lost anyone close to them understand what it is to lose a mother and father? Again, perhaps not. If there was an adult somehow sheltered from the trials and tribulations of the "real world", that person might not have any basis to understand what "losing a job one needs to survive" or "being yelled at merely for being black/white/green" would feel like.

Most adults, however, live in the real world. We have people we care for, things we do, places we go, people who depend on us. Understanding is based on all past experiences plus knowledge of other experiences.

Here's an example that comes up frequently in empathy discussions. A person may not have had an abortion, but may have lost a long-cared-for pet by putting it to sleep, or had other similar, traumatic experiences. For many people, abortions are not traumatic at all. For others, it is extremely traumatic. To say that your experience was not understandable by any other human except those who have gone through it misses both of these points. Many people who have gone through it do not feel the same way, and many people who have not gone through it can still relate because of similar situations that elicited in them similar responses.

If it was completely impossible for an adults to have any idea how another adult felt going through Situation XX, then our trials by jury would be completely useless. Most jurors have not gone through the exact situation they are judging.