After struggling with infertility for 15 years, I was stunned when the pregnancy test showed two lines. I had never seen that happen before and I was still not convinced after 4 tests. It was not until the hospital blood test reslts came back that I began to believe. My feelings over the last 5 months have been volatile, pregnancy hormones will do that to you, but I think my experiences have been pretty common based on what other women with infertility have told me.

Disbelief

After 5 months of nausea, a miscarriage scare, 4 ultrasounds and now a few weeks of preterm labor, you'd think that I would be pretty convinced that I am pregnant. We have piles of baby clothes, swings, car seats, toys and other baby things filling our house. We have named our little girl, planned the birth, hired a midwife, found an OB, and told everyone we know. My belly is poking out and I've been in maternity clothes since week 7. Yet, somehow I am still finding it hard to believe that come mid-October I will be having a baby.

Anger

I find myself really angry at two groups of people. First, those who say things like, "See, once you relax, you get pregnant." Not only is this a stupid and biologically incorrect idea, it is insulting to those of us who struggle with infertility. Women get pregnant in war zones, how relaxed are they? I was not relaxed when I got pregnant, I was discouraged and depressed because I was sure I was not even going to ovulate that month. I usually ovulate by day 22, after that I gave up. It looks like I actually ovulated on day 26. By then I was sure nothing was going to happen and I was quite upset.

The second group I find myself angry at is those who take their babies for granted. From the 10th week ultrasound when I saw an active, tiny but perfect baby bouncing around inside me, I knew that this little one deserved all of my protecton and care. It drives me nuts to see people treating their babies carelessly before or after birth. I've had to work so hard to get and stay pregnant that I marvel at how anyone could take this for granted.

Fear

Fear of loss, fear of not being able to handle the transition to motherhood at nearly 37 years old, fear of not liking this baby (she is after all a stranger, I know I'll love her, but what if she is obnoxious?), fear of germs.... All kinds of things are making me worry that never bothered me before. I am sure some of it is hormones, but I have real reasons to fear losing this baby. I don't know if I can get pregnant again and between the bleeding I experienced at 10-13 weeks and the preterm labor that started at 20 weeks, this has been a nerve-wracking ride. What surprises me is my sudden need to clean everything and my constant worry about what I am eating and if it is good enough for the baby.

Guilt

I was also surprised by the "survivor guilt" I felt early on. So many women try so hard to get pregnant, why was I so lucky? Sure, I waited for a very long time, but I am still dazzled by my luck.

I hope that all of you are lucky enough to find yourself pregnant after infertility. There is hope, even if you have waited a very long time.