A recent episode of “The Nanny” featured a divorced mother with six children who was having an extremely hard time moving on from the past and accepting the new life she is living. As a result, her children were out of control and she was suffering from a deep depression. She no longer participated in family events with her children, nor was she parenting them in a way that helped them move on past the trauma they had experienced. In short, the entire family was miserable. All they could think about was how things were and they wanted their old life back. This life was horrible, and they could not accept it.
The Nanny helped this mother see that she is very fortunate to have the home she has now, while it may be smaller than her old house, it is still their home now. She also taught the mother that she is the head of this family, and that they are still a family and the children desperately needed a Mother who took care of herself, respected herself, and spent time with them. Most of all they needed a mom who was happy.
The Nanny taught the mother how to fondly remember the good times in the old house she shared with her ex husband without being sad, hurt, or angry. The Nanny taught the mother that accepting the new house which was really just a metaphor for her new life, was not throwing away all of the happy memories. She did not have to forget her old life to move on, she just had to learn to look back at it without the emotional turmoil. She had to learn that her new life was good too and worth cherishing and enjoying.
Is it really possible to look back at your former life and your former marriage and see it fondly? Absolutely. The thing you have to accept is that life is a journey that is always changing directions and just because something didn't work out doesn't mean it is a failure or a disaster. Unless your marriage was abusive, the truth is, you were happy with your ex once. You loved him, and he loved you,and you had great hope for your future together. Otherwise you would not have married.
It is okay to remember these things fondly, to remember the happy times, the fun times, the good times. Anything else, just let it go. You cannot change what has happened. Torturing yourself, your ex, and possibly your children will not create a satisfying life. Acknowledging that your marriage ended even though you were once happy together will only serve to help you know better how to choose a new partner if you want one, and then possibly give you insight on how to make it work the second time around.
You can come out of a divorce better than you were before if only you try to learn from your journey. Each choice you make, each door you open, or close, causes a brand new reaction by yourself and others, creating a brand new direction to your life. Except in the most rare of circumstances each situation is a choice. A choice you made either intellectuality, impulsively, or through ignorance, but regardless of why or how you made the choice, it was still a choice.
So now that you are divorced and on a new road in your journey, it does not mean it is a bad road, or the wrong road, only that it is a different road. Learn to see your life as simply different now, not worse. Your past as different, not better.
When you learn to do that, enjoying the here and now instead of what was or could have been, you will then learn to live each day to its fullest while always remembering the good times.
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond)
