Sometimes, it is perfectly normal to get angry, be angry and stay that way for a while. You've been mistreated, you've been wronged, you've been hurt, and now you're angry and it is a healthy emotion to have. Anger can help you get through some tough times ahead if it is a healthy anger and not a destructive anger. A healthy anger allows you to move forward while destructive anger may keep you bound to the past.
No one can deny that getting a divorce is one of the most traumatic events you will face in your lifetime aside from an unexpected death. In many ways divorce is a death. It is the death of your friendship and your life with your spouse. The death of shared dreams and goals. You may experience different levels of anger depending upon whether you are the initiator of the divorce or not. If you are the initiator due to a wrong done to you by your ex, that is one type of anger. If you are being dumped by your ex, that is an entirely other kind of anger.
Either kind of anger can be dealt with in a healthy manner. What you need to do is embrace the anger, and accept the anger to help you get through your divorce, but do not chose your actions based on vengeance. Make sure that you are basing your choices on sound reasoning that will help make your future better, not pay for past transgressions.
This is especially important if you have children. Remember whatever you say, the words you use, cannot be taken back. Much better to get your anger out in a journal or with a trusted friend or counselor that will allow you to vent without holding you to your angry words.
Irrational behavior is not the same thing as anger. Anger can be used to become very rational, very focused, and very dedicated in getting you to where you need to be. Irrational behavior can be manifested from anger and cause you problems. Keep your anger in check and controlled when you are conducting the business of divorce. The following ideas will help you keep anger in check.
When you go to meetings regarding the divorce:
Breathe – Believe it or not simple breathing is very important. Many times people who are angry or are having some other uncomfortable emotion forget to breath properly. Make sure you're breathing normally. Do some deep, controlled breathing in your nose, out your mouth before going into the meeting to help you focus.
Take a list – Sometimes the passion of anger can get the better of you if you do not keep the meeting business like. To that end, take a list of the items you want to address, or if it is a deposition take some notes to help you remember the answers to the questions. Sometimes it is hard to remember the most common answers and a list or notes will assist you.
Do not rehash the past – Do not get into a he said, she said, fight about the past. There is no point, and no one really cares anyway. Not the judge, and not your ex. Just don't go there.
State your terms – Before the meeting you should have decided with the help of your attorney and via research on your part, and your attorney's part, your bottom line. Don't be intimidated during the meetings into changing your mind unless you really do believe you are being unreasonable. Simply state your terms, leave the emotion out.
Let your attorney do the talking – Where it is possible, allow your attorney to do the talking. There is no reason for you to say one word unless asked a relevant question directly.
Outside of the Divorce talks:
Deep breathing – Yes, breathing again. Breathing is very important to your emotional and physical health. Keep breathing and focusing on positive thoughts.
Get counseling – If your anger is consuming a large part of your life and has gone past healthy, normal, passionate and justifiable anger, seek counseling to help you deal with it. No matter what has been done to you, there is no reason to live in anger the rest of your life. Most people do move on from even the most horrible atrocities and live happy, healthy lives. You can too. You might just need a little extra assist.
Journal – Every day write in your journal. Write your angry feelings, but end with what is good about today.
Exercise – It might sound trite but walking just 20 minutes a day can go a long way in giving you a better disposition.
Remember, some anger, when justified is good. But if it goes too far, and takes over your life, consider following the above suggestions.
The Breathing Book: Vitality & Good Health Through Essential Breath Work
