Guest Author - Stephanie L Watson


Abuse

While controversial, there are treatment programs for both perpetrators and victims of spousal abuse. Their success rate is unknown because there are not enough studies to know whether treatment works. But, there is some indication that less than 1 percent of batters stick with the treatment through completion. So any studies done are done on this one percent. According to Family Violence in the United States by Denise A. Hines and Kathleen Malley-Morrison, you cannot properly measure success or failure rates due to not having a control group.

Spouse abuse typically follows a cycle. First the abuser gains the victim's trust and then the abuser causes or invents reason to build tension in the relationship, after that either verbal abuse, or physical abuse escalates into the abusive event, after that the abuser apologizes, often crying at his victims feet but also blames the victim for the actions or acts like it wasn't as bad as it was. After that the incident is forgotten as if it never happened, this is called the "honeymoon" stage. A lot of time there is a lot of make up sex, romance, and fun. Then the cycle starts over again.

Remember that spouse abuse is not limited to physical abuse. Spouse abuse includes mental and physical abuse and both men and women can be victims and perpetrators. Often women are verbal abusers which can make it more difficult to prove or get help. But women are often killed and battered by their abusers and arguably are often in a more vulnerable position physically and financially.

If there is physical abuse my first recommendation stands, get out, leave, get treatment for yourself. That isn't to say that both of you cannot get treatment and get back together later but it is unlikely. In all good conscious I cannot recommend staying with an abuser or getting back together with an abuser. I've never witnessed any abusers being cured.

Adultery

By some estimates 60 to 80 percent of men cheat on their wives, and 30 to 40% of women cheat on their husbands. Adultery is the number one reason why people get divorced before finances. Adultery is, unfortunately a common problem in our society.

Can you get back together after adultery or can you stay married? In the case of adultery it depends on why the adultery happened and if both parties are willing to work though the issues. I am a firm believer that a marriage can work after one affair, or one night stand.

The adulterer needs to be willing to accept most of the blame, and earn back the trust of the other spouse. The victim needs to be willing to address issues that may have led to the affair and make a choice to trust again within a reasonable time limit. Many couples have come out of affairs to renew their marriage to better than before. If adultery is compulsive and repetitive without remorse, get out, because these days this type of thing isn't just a crime against your heart, it could kill you. Literally.

Addictions

Whether it is sex or drugs or something else if the person suffering from the addiction is not willing to seek help there should be no compromising. As long as the addicted person is unwilling to seek help and accept their problem, there is no hope.

I cannot recommend that you stay in this situation unless you are sure that the addicted spouse is serious about getting and completing treatment. Success rates are not very high when it comes to additions in the long term. There more than likely will be relapse. Keep that in mind.

Can you handle a relapse if someone is trying? Are relapses unacceptable? What sort of relapse can you accept? A slip with immediate return to treatment? A sustained return to the addictive behavior and the need to detox again? What can you handle together? There is no crime in leaving this situation to protect yourself and your children.

After reading through the three As, keep in mind that you are the one living in the situation, but consider what you would tell your daughter, or you best friend if she were the one in one of the above situations.

Would you tell her to stay or go?