Guest Author - Stephanie L Watson
When parents divorce how they behave after the legal battle is over may help their children overcome the divorce and become well-rounded adults, according to ScienceDaily.
Many of the issues associated with the harm that divorce causes children has to do with the fact that statistically children of divorce suffer higher poverty rates than their intact counterparts added to that, if the parents' relationship is acrimonious it only adds to the stress children feel.
Knowing that economics and emotions play a huge role in how all children see their world, and their futures should give parents plenty of reason to work harder on these issues. Parents should always be aware of how their behavior and their outlook on their own situation affects their children's lives.
One question I asked myself when I got a divorce during a particularly nasty argument with my ex was this: “Why divorce if we're going to keep fighting like this?” I voiced this out loud to my ex husband and he also saw the light. We both decided that if we were really divorcing so that the children could have a better life, without our fights, without the daily trauma of our relationship, then we better get with it and do better now that we are divorced. We decided that now that we are divorced the children come first, before our relationship and before our petty arguments.
Issues did arise but we created some rules to guide us. Here they are, see if you can get your ex to agree on some ground rules, it may help.
The Nos win
This means that if both parents do not agree the answer is no. Fourteen year old Lisa wants to date, one parent says yes, one says no. The No wins. Period.
Visitation is non-negotiable
Visitation is not up to the children or the custodial parent. This time is for the children to be with the non custodial parent so any plans that include that time must be up to the non custodial parent. Little Johnny wants to join little league but it will interfere with his visitation with his dad. Then it's up to dad whether he joins or not.
If dad says no, then the answer is no. If he says yes, he will have to either provide transportation or make sure mom is able to do so. As far as visitation goes, remember that the paperwork is the minimum, ideally, the children should be with both parents as much as is possible. The more the better. In my case, we have a long distance situation since my girls' father is in the military. It is impossible to stick to the paperwork, so we use reason.
Honestly any chance he gets to take them when they are not in school, he gets. No questions asked. Consequently he has spent more Christmases with the girls than I have. But I see them more on a day to day basis and they need their dad too.
Never pass messages via the children
No matter what you do if you pass even the most innocent message via the children disaster occurs. If you've ever played that game where you whisper a phrase to the first person in a line of people and then hear what it sounds like at the end, well then you already know why this is a bad idea.
A method of communication must be set up between the parents. All issues regarding the children should be discussed with only the parents first until you are a united front for the children.
My ex and I use email and a google calendar to keep track of schedules. And yes, I do ask him if it's ok if our daughter dies her hair, gets her ears pierced, or dates. He is their parent too.
When it comes to money, do the right thing
The courts spell out what each parent is responsible for in the divorce decree, so if you cannot agree to something else, then just let it go. Stick to the paper work and move on. There is no point in arguing about this when you cannot have any affect whatsoever. The paperwork is the paperwork.
If you can agree on extras and it doesn't cause a fight or problems, that is fine too. Otherwise, use the papers as your guide. The additional caveat that my ex and i have to this issue is this: It is okay to ask, and it is okay to say no. If I ask, and he says no, there is no outrage that I asked, and there is no outrage that he said no.
My ex earns about 10 times the amount of money I earn. This is through no fault of mine, but due to the nature of his job and education compared to mine, not to mention I stayed home for many years, thus delaying my career. What the courts require him to pay would put me, and by virtue of my having custody the girls in poverty. He saw the figure, and he offered me more, much more. As he said at the time, “I cannot have custody due to my job, I could not live with myself if they were in poverty because we got a divorce when it is not necessary.”
My part of doing the right thing is making sure I spent his money properly, and on the girls.
Never talk bad about the other parent
None of the other things will work if you use any of it against the other parent by complaining to the children about their parent. This is never to happen. If you have a complaint about your ex, tell your ex, never do it to your children. If the children complain about their other parent, don't fall for it, take the parent's side, and discuss it later with that parent only. Just as you should have done while married.
Trust me, they will complain about the other parent. Even if they have a good relationship children, especially children of divorce will whine and try to play one against the other. It is your job to nip this in the bud immediately by simply not allowing it.
When we first divorced I had to make sure I told others not to talk bad about my ex in front of the kids. It was hard, sometimes I slipped, and I know that he did too. No one is perfect, but as parents we should try not to do that. It is harmful and wrong.
The point of these rules is to make sure you are a united front as parents for the sake of the children. Children of divorce can turn out just as well-rounded, educated and emotionally stable as their friends with intact households. It might take a little more thought, and a little more work but it is more than worth it.
