According to one theory, your inner critic is a coping mechanism that originally helped you live successfully in the world, and then turned into harmful self-talk. It taught you how to live peacefully by preventing you from grabbing the food you needed from your sister’s plate or the toy you wanted from your friend’s hand. It helped you choose your words, so you wouldn’t say the first thing that popped into your head, such as “Your breath smells like rotten socks and you have some ugly black stuff in your teeth too.” It prevents you from leaving the house in your pajamas, telling your boss what you really think, and eating the whole pie instead of a couple of pieces (most days).

Your inner critic saves you from a lot of pain. It protects you from overstepping boundaries, offending people, or even committing crimes or immoral acts. But as much good as your inner critic does, it can also be destructive. It simply gets overzealous in censoring your words and actions, and begins to criticize every little thing you do and say and are.

“Your arms are flabby.”

“The cellulite on your legs is hideous.”

“Why bother even looking in the mirror? You know how ugly you are.”

“You’re so boring, even your dog falls asleep when you’re talking.”

The inner critic can get out of control. The worst part – one of them, anyway – is that it rings true. It sounds like the voice of absolute truth, and there’s no arguing with it. You begin to believe that your arms really are flabby, your cellulite hideous, you’re too ugly to look at, and you’re boring.

Your inner critic wants to make you perfect.

It watches your every move, providing a constant stream of “insight” into how you can do better, smell nicer, look more beautiful, and sound smarter. You become self-conscious and afraid to make another move. You stop trusting yourself and your taste in clothes, people, and even food – because your inner critic has taken over.

You may refuse to wear a swimsuit, change in the locker room of a fitness centre, or make love with the lights on. Your body image is distorted – destroyed – because of your inner critic.

The first step to dealing with your inner critic is noticing it. Is it a him or her? Is it nagging, yelling, or sneering? What is it saying to you? Are those things true? How would you respond if it was an actual person standing right in front of you? How do you respond when it actually is a person – a real live critic – criticizing you to your face?

A second step to dealing with your inner critic is learning how to handle it. You may be so accustomed to hearing negative messages from yourself and others, you may not even realize you’re being attacked. Focus on being gentle with and honoring yourself – because you really are worth it.