Guest Author - Previous BellaOnline Editor

Sunday, September 7, 2003

Well, surgery is in two days. I haven’t written lately because there is only so much that can be said about the feelings that one experiences pre-op. I can tell you this, though, these last few days are a nightmare. No matter how sure I was in scheduling this surgery, I’ve had doubts these last few days. I keep having the “what if” thoughts. But, I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do. The waiting is absolute torture, though. I will be fairly busy from this point on, though, so hopefully that will help. I have to clean house today because Tony’s Mom will be coming in tomorrow to stay with us. Tony is taking me to the movies tonight to get me out of the house. And tomorrow I have my pre-op visit with the doctor to sign consent forms, then I go to the hospital to do my pre-admit, after that I’m going to get my nails done since it will be quite a while before I can do that again, and then I have to go meet Tony’s Mom at the exit to the interstate so she can follow me home. Hopefully with so much to keep me busy the time will pass quickly. I’m just anxious to have this behind me and to be at home recovering. I hope everything goes well, you know what they say, be careful what you wish for…. But I am not going to go into this with a negative attitude, I have chosen to do this for my health and my sanity and I just have to keep my thoughts positive. Things will be better. I have spoken with a good bit of other women that were in situations similar to mine and they all have reassured me that this decision was the best decision they ever made. They say they feel so much better now. I prayed to God to get me through this and he has given me a lot of help in the past month, I know that he will remain with me throughout this and give me the strength that I need.

I found a website that covers infertility and they are doing an article on women that have been unable to have children. One of the questions she asks is how you came to a point that you were OK with it. I’m not really sure how I got to this point. I mean, I know I will always have that part of me that feels like I missed out on something very special, but I know too, that if I’m not healthy I couldn’t have been the best mom. I don’t think there’s ever a moment when you’re just OK with it. Those feelings come and go. I still have my moments where I feel panicked and think “Oh, God, I’m never going to have a baby”, but they get to be more spaced out as time passes. It’s like I always know it, but everytime it “hits” you it’s like you’re realizing it all over again. The only thing that I can compare it to is the death of a loved one, afterwards whenever you think about it, it’s like it just jumps up and hits you in the stomach each time, but as time passes it doesn’t happen quite as often. It doesn’t mean that when it does it hurts any less, I guess your mind is just more able to keep those thoughts from occurring as often as they did in the beginning. I don’t know if there will ever come a day when I am totally at peace with that realization. I’m scared that after surgery I will freak out over what I’ve done and want to take it back. This is all so final; I will no longer be waiting for doctors to find a cure so that I can have a baby. I just have to remind myself what the past 6 years of my life have been like and remember that everything happens for a reason even though I may not know what that reason is.

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After suffering two miscarriages, Polycystic Ovarian Disease, endometriosis, and Grave’s Disease, Amanda chose to have a hysterectomy to relieve her pain. She had surgery on September 9, 2003.

This is Amanda's final entry before surgery. When she's feeling up to it, we will check in with her and see how she's feeling now that it's over.