Stop Yelling It’s Pointless Connect Instead
Ask Yourself Whose Problem Is It
Maybe your teen is playing the music too loud or your preschooler is playing her favorite tape for the hundredth time and you have a headache. Unless you indicate the headache to your daughter she won’t know. Yelling at your daughter for something that is affecting you will not get your problem solved. Let your daughter know what you expect and what you want – she can’t guess.
Its okay to feel anger – what matters is how you handle it. Anger does not mean you have to yell. When you see your daughter is making a mess, don’t wait until you’re going to explode to ask her to pick up the clutter. Let her know that you will calm down and speak to her about the mess she’s made later. What you’ve shown your daughter is that you allowed your emotions to simmer down before communicating and you modeled good anger management.
Why Not Yell?
When parents have outburst at their child, it can negatively impact their relationship. It lets your daughter think that getting mad and yelling solves everything.
Yelling is disrespectful to your daughter, which then teaches disrespect to others. Yelling at your daughter also gives her permission to yell at you. Children model what we do – not what we say. You need to keep your voice calm. You need to keep it firm – but not yell.
Yes, an emergency situation may warrant some piping up. But if yelling is your constant mode, then your daughter won’t even realize it is an emergency situation.
I think that anybody dislikes being yelled at – children and adults. Keep in mind that yelling is not an effective way to get their attention. Anything negative like that, they are going to block.
Tips for mastering calm – You can discipline without yelling
• Have a spot to sit quietly before speaking.
• Consider your daughter’s perspective: Ask “what happened? Rather than accusing.
• Apologize when necessary. If you’ve already yelled, reset by saying “sorry.”
• Say “I love you. Even if the child made a mistake, remind her you still love her.
• Assess yourself first - yelling is often a symptom that we are exhausted and pushed to the limits.
• Take a breather. Think first: then come up with a creative consequence.
• Quiz her. Say what did you forget to do? Instead of “Pick up your coat!”
The end result
With a calmer approach, your daughter would more apt to think for herself – rather than just filling her head with your voice.
It takes practice on the parent’s part for staying calm. While stressful situations will continue to pop up, consider this. Say to yourself, I love my daughter. I want what’s best for her. And if I want what’s best for her, I’m not going to yell. I’m going to have a conversation.
I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, I get upset and I lost control – it’s okay. I simply dust myself off and let my daughter know that I love her. I also ask her how we can handle things differently in the future – this helps her have some involvement in family solutions. I also encourage you to not wait until a disaster happens before speaking. If you find yourself constantly yelling and getting angry even after you’ve practiced calming techniques you may need to address some personal issues that may be causing it, see attached resource listings and links. All are workable situations and you recognized it, which is a start. Make the connection with yourself and your daughter! Thank you for taking the first steps to change!
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