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The Rotten Thanksgiving Guest
Dinner is served!! It's Thanksgiving and life is all about the food. You have arrived as a guest at a friend or relative's house and you have decided to be the Rotten Thanksgiving Guest. What does that look like? Keep reading.
Dinner is on the table and everyone has gathered. Because it's Thanksgiving, the host has decided to encourage everyone to hold hands and offer up some words of thanks. While everyone around the table smiles and begins to hold each other's hands, you roll your eyes and exhale loudly. Clearly you think this is a lame idea and you aren't one to keep this to yourself. You are the Rotten Thanksgiving Guest and you are going to make sure from the very start of dinner that you don't care who knows they type of person you are.
After a prayer is said, you begin to dish up food and shovel it into your mouth. The mashed potatoes are in front of you so you take a huge helping of those, load up some gravy and begin to eat. You don't pass the potatoes, you don't dish up anything else and you don't wait until everyone has dished up their plates before eating. You begin to immediately graze on one dish of mashed potatoes, figuring that you will eat other items as you please. As serving plates are being passed around you so others can have the potatoes and gravy you are hoarding, you eye the turkey and lift your plate. "Give some here," you command to the host, not really looking up and not acknowledging that others are waiting to enjoy the turkey too.
As you shovel mashed potatoes with your spoon (not your fork), you have you elbow resting on the table. Go ahead and rest your head on your hand while you eat too. This will ensure that everyone who sees you knows that you aren't just a Rotten Guest, you are also horribly lazy. You will also want to scrape your teeth on you utensils. It's annoying and grates on everyone's nerves so that is right up your alley. While you are finishing up the last of the potatoes and gravy, be sure to scrape your spoon along the plate just to add to the tension.
While dinner progresses, be sure to chew with your mouth open, burp occasionally (and loudly) and don't put your napkin in your lap. Your sleeve in lieu of a napkin will do just fine. And when your sleeve is full of goo, grab the top of your shirt and wipe your mouth on it. Yes, that's supremely disgusting and everyone will appreciate how perfectly you convey what a Rotten Thanksgiving Guest will do.
As for drinks, be sure to imbibe, a lot not a little. Get really drunk so your words slur while everyone else is pretty much sober. Don't engage or talk much though, just snort loudly when someone says something that you disagree with.
Bad table manners, poor eating and drinking habits followed by not helping with any of the dishes will help to solidify the persona you want to convey to everyone. You are a successful Rotten Thanksgiving Guest. Be sure to take some food home because you most likely won't get invited to another dinner any time soon.
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