George Burns Quotations

Guest Author - Danielle Hollister

Celebrate National Humor Month with this amusing collection of funny quotations from famous comedians.

by George Burns

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
"Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives."
"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."
"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did."
"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
"Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand."
"I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it."
"I can't afford to die; I'd lose a fortune."
"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."
"I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something."
"I'd announced that I was going to sing and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I'd manage to fight my way through that ring and sing anyway."
"In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it."
"If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred."
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read."
"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
"There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
"We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away."
"When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''"
"When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks."
"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made."