Stepparents enter a system that is already functioning. The functioning may be stumbling and inefficient, but somehow, the family has muddled along before the entrance of the stepparent. Coming in as an outsider in the family the stepmother is the one most likely to notice problems in the system the children’s father would rather not see.

A frequent stepmother disaster occurs when we attempt to improve the family situation by pointing out to our husband what he does ‘wrong’ in dealing with his children. Regardless of how correct our observations may be, this method of trying to help backfires. The children’s father may well solicit your advice and, at least at first, appreciate your point of view. This honeymoon will not last.

Often the children’s father recognizing deficits in his ways of relating with his children, will ask your opinion and even agree with your suggestions. This doesn’t mean he will be able to follow through when anxiety is high. And if he doesn’t “change” the way you suggested after you’ve gone to the effort to explain how he should “do better,” who’s going to be arguing later? Your husband’s energy goes from working on improving the way he deals with his children to fighting with you. And your energy goes from enjoying your time with your husband, to concentrating on convincing him he is a parental failure.

Not pleasant. If you give up the habit of pointing out deficits in your husband’s way of dealing with the children, does this mean you do nothing? Of course not. You find a strategic way of improving your situation without using as your primary effort—convincing your husband he is creating criminals.

A practical example. A new stepmother, father, and four children took a vacation to Disneyland. The first day the stepmother spent angry and off to herself, frustrated at the whining and begging the children used to talk their father into endless treats and gifts. The stepmother was tempted to jump into the separate time she had with her husband by listing all the things he had done wrong that day with the children. Instead she worked out a method with him involving giving each child a more than generous amount at the beginning of each day. Each could spend or save their money. The stepmother presented the idea positively and without haranguing her husband. The next day went more smoothly with the stepmom enjoying activities with the children while the father enjoyed breaks not possible when he was the “bank.”

You will be solicited to take over when things get bumpy. Resist. This offer is much like Lucy, Charley Brown, and the football. “Come on in, take charge…” We do ‘take charge’, things work a few minutes, then guess who ends up alone on her back?

Practice a few sentences. “Oh, honey, you guys worked out a bedtime strategy before I came along. Why not go with that?” “I have a few ideas, but only if I hear yours first.” “Oh, you know me, when I get anxious, I try to take charge….how would you see making the situation better?”

Oh, I know those words sound bizarre. Read them a few times anyway. If you don’t keep a sense of humor, you’re sunk.