Hard work doesn’t “cause” stress. Long hours don’t automatically “cause” stress. What does strongly influence stress levels is when a person has responsibility for how something turns out without having the power to affect what is going on. Hello, stepparenting.

Stress is the body’s automatic response to a real or perceived threat. The body reacts as if the threat is a lion jumping at us from behind a bush even when the “threat” is a child ignoring a request or a spouse staying late at work again. When we are stressed several things change about how we deal with the world. One, we begin exaggerating our distress. Two, we are more critical about our surroundings.
These methods are automatic, but end up causing only more problems.

How do you know when these automatic forces are in charge? Notice the use of phrases such as, “I can’t stand this! This always happens! This is awful, terrible, and something’s got to change!” This is not to say that you’re not interested in improving what’s going on in your family, it’s just to say you don’t have to be worked up about what’s going on, all the time. Give yourself a hug and a reminder that stepparenting is hard, really hard. And give yourself a break.

Stepparenting with Style Strategy: Because you are a stepparent, take special steps to take care of yourself. What works for you? The gym? Reading in the bathtub? Going to a movie by yourself once a week and leaving the gang on their own? Thinking of getting back into running? Have some time everyday when you are not thinking about family dynamics.

The temptation is to use up all our energy focusing on changing others to take care of our stress. We want the kids to be different, our spouse to have a personality change, the ex to stop calling about household problems. While we can affect some change, we do not have control of a lot which goes on in the family. We may like to say we have the same power as biological parents, but we do not. Kids listen differently to biological parents. Teachers listen differently to biological parents. The ex exists and has to be worked into the family equation.

The positive part of being a stepparent is that stepparenting is a self-designed role. An important element of that role is taking care of yourself. When you invest some time and energy in your “you” project, you’ll notice that features of family functioning that were making you stressed, slip by you more often. When you take time for yourself, the rest of the family has a chance to see you at your best. So often stepchildren and spouses are tempted to see you only as the “stepparent”, to see you only through how you affect the family, instead of seeing you as a happy, healthy adult who has interests that go beyond the household and the relationships in the family.