Stepparents enter the most intimate group any person knows—the family—at a time when all the other players already have a relationship. The parent, your spouse, has had a relationship with your stepchild at least since the pregnancy was known, and likely a relationship that began the moment the couple began considering bringing a child into the world. By nature, we’re the new kids on the team. We’re in a have-to-prove-ourselves catch-up position. A catch-up position means a more ambiguous and anxious position. At least at first.

Given this more undefined position, stepparents tend to land in predictable pitfalls with amazing regularity. The lead pitfall is this: the naturally uneasy stepparent takes on the task of pointing out “what is wrong with” the stepchild. This happens so often, the word “compulsion” comes to mind.

Pointing out “what is wrong” with the stepchild can take the form of “diagnosing” the child. After we’ve given our diagnosis, much of our energy goes into backing up our diagnosis, which means we focus more energy on negative behaviors and let the positive behaviors slip by unnoticed. This is not a conscious movement in the emotional system of the family; it’s close to automatic. Think of what happens in any triangle—that is any three people (or three dogs, for that matter) where two players have extensive history and the bond of blood when a third person enters the system.

It is natural for the person on the outside to do whatever she can to get more comfortable with the other two. And, I’m all for getting comfortable. I want to support stepparents in any way I can. As a stepmother and a stepdaughter and a psychologist, I know how hard and sometimes thankless the role can be. One of the positives of step-parenting is that our role is one we can design ourselves, based on who we are and what kind of relationship works for us.

The key to designing a relationship that works requires going beyond the tempting pitfalls and stereotypes of step-parenting. As a therapist, I’m a strategist. I want people to accomplish more in a session than for the client to feel better because I agree she’s in a tough situation loaded with unfair and difficult people. That kind of therapy you can get at the bus station. I work so that clients learn strategies that improve their relationships. Part of the task of learning effective strategies means learning to recognize seductive “automatic” ways of functioning that only make their lives more problematic.

It’s important to remember that no blame or guilt is intended as we examine self-defeating behaviors. Stepparents have to be their own best friends and the last thing we need is criticism. The “automatic tendency” to be critical of the stepchild is no different than what happens when any close twosome takes on an outsider. We want to get comfortable in a triangle when two sides start out closer. This doesn’t make us mean or evil, just outsiders trying to find a comfortable position.

Strategy: Think of something your stepchild does better than you. And, yes, there’s always something. My stepdaughter is the most organized person I know. Maybe your stepchild has a soft heart for animals or a talent with plants. Don’t make it something about your relationship, just something that is true for your stepchild. Notice how even thinking this way shifted your energy a bit?

The strategy of working against the urge to diagnosis your stepchild doesn’t say anything about what kind of person your stepchild is. Could be he or she is loaded with problems. What’s important is that you, as the step-parent, not become the reporter of bad behavior. Not for the child’s sake, that’s just a side effect. Firing yourself from the reporter position mean you will have a better time.