How involved should you, as a stepmother, be with the schools attended by the children? As is true with most aspects of step-parenting, school involvement depends on features of your family. Particularly important is how involved the biological parents are in the schools.

Generally speaking, step-parents are welcome to fill slots not already fully occupied by the biological parents. We can get into trouble in a hurry if we push our way into an already occupied slot. Some parents consider school performance important, while others, particularly the non-custodial parents may not emphasize school progress. Also, each of us, biological and by-marriage parents, has an opinion on how involved parents ‘should be’ with the schools.

Where school achievement is concerned, step-parents are somewhat like grandparents. We can help children with their school work, but our suggestions that the biological parents change in the way they relate to schools and homework will fall flat. Like grandparents, if we try to take on the role of pointing out achievement and study problems, we will end up in a defensive battle. Any suggestions we make to tighten up homework routines will have the same result.

If your stepchild is not doing well in school, you are more likely to pick up on the anxiety and be tempted to take on an in-charge role. Your willingness to ‘take charge’ may, at first, be greeted with gratitude and support. This will change. The child will continue to have school difficulty and where do you think the increased anxiety about the child’s progress is going to land?

So, if we can’t focus on changing the parents’ ways of dealing with the schools or shore up homework routines, where do stepmoms fit in? Let me back up a little now that the groundwork has been set. It’s not that we can never make suggestions regarding the children and school. We can make suggestions and be involved in other ways if we can maintain a non-anxious, non-takeover approach. It’s only when we take over a role that is the duty of the biological parent, such as being the person responsible for the child doing well in school, that our efforts will backfire. Taking a supportive role in-line with the parents’ structure and involvement will work for you in that you can focus on helping rather than overseeing homework, which is more fulfilling. The role will work for the rest of the family as ‘you’ will not be the target when school difficulties are discussed.

Taking a supportive instead of a directing role can be frustrating and you don’t have to take a role in school relationships if it doesn’t suit or interest you. There are plenty of downsides to step-mothering, such as not being in charge of school involvement, but there are also upsides. One of these is that you can design your role as a stepmother. School participation is one of those areas with wiggle room.

If you have children from a previous marriage, it’s important to remember that school involvement with your biological children does come from your own beliefs and principles and you are in charge. This means that you may participate very differently with each child. This different way of participating is not the big deal that many parents make out of it. If you are clear that you will make decisions and participate with your children in school activities according to your set of ideas and let your spouse and his ex-wife take the lead with their children, problems will be minimal.

The best plan is to take a light approach on the subject of stepchildren and school. Let your husband and the biological mother know you will respect their style and support their efforts—if you choose to participate--while you and the father of your children will take the lead with your children. By taking this approach, you can avoid a deadly pattern of nightly arguing about how your stepchild’s school work and teacher relationship should be handled.