Stepchild responsibility in maintaining the house should depend partly on how much time he or she spends in the house, whether your house is the “main” house, how particular you and your spouse are with household details, and to what degree the child’s biological parent is invested in the child’s participation in household chores. There’s a reason for the fairytales in which the stepmother is portrayed as turning her stepchildren into household slaves, as there is a reason for stories with stereotypic interfering Jewish mothers.

The reason is, the step mother is more likely to be sensitive to the child’s helpfulness or lack of helpfulness around the house, while the father is usually not overly concerned with the house and more likely to give the child a free pass. This tendency can develop into a real problem with predictable battle lines being drawn. So, what’s a stepmother to do?

As stated above, how much you invest in the child’s participation in household care should depend somewhat on how much of the time the child is in the house. Though your nerves might be rattled, it isn’t a good plan to expect a stepchild who is in the home for a weekend a month to participate fully in chores and upkeep. To make keeping the house at its usual level of neatness, especially with young stepchildren, a priority on neatness during a short visit results in the child’s over-focus on you as a taskmaster. The child’s father, since he isn’t that concerned with neatness (usually) will not appreciate your attempt to keep everything “normal” when time with the child is limited.

When visits are short, lower your standards. I wasted a lot of weekends early on, trying to keep our little apartment from being a wreck. Later I learned to relax, expect some mess and ask the dad to help out after the child has gone to his or her other house.

If your house is the child’s main house, higher standards are needed in accord with your comfort and the comfort of the child’s father. If a neat house is not important to your spouse, you’re probably going to have to give in a little. Remember, marrying someone with children from a previous marriage is a package deal. This doesn’t mean you have to have a messy house in which no one does chores but you. Just pick your battles. Rather than trying to keep the house constantly clean, announce clean up times, turn on some music and “dung out” the place. Work with your husband on a list of doable chores on which you both agree. A later article will discuss dealing with your stepchild’s room.

Above all, remember the credo: Resist the urge to take charge with an anxious, rigid approach. Resist the urge to take cooperation or lack of cooperation as evidence of your importance in the family or how much the others care for you.