Navigating Minefields

I don’t know about you, but one of the hardest adjustments we have had in our blended family is discipline style. Sometimes it's like navigating a minefield. My husband, Dave, and I have very different styles of approaching discipline, and came from very different backgrounds and “house rules.”

My step-kids were old enough when their mother left to remember some differences between her style and mine. While these same differences in style are probably what have made my marriage to Dave so much more successful and content than our previous marriages were, the challenge remains for Dave and I to find balance with rules and discipline.

Regardless of style, I have found some tricks to share with you that seem effective:

•Stay consistent. If Dave and I disagree about a punishment or a rule, we talk about it in private before we tell the child the final decision so that we are always presenting a united front.

•Avoid over-reaction. I am the queen of taking things personally, because being a stepmom seems to go hand-in-hand with insecurity about the kids liking you, but only battle what is really a battle and let go what you can.

•Although it may be unavoidable to get frustrated, lose your temper, and raise your voice (as it is quite often for me) I have found that my point comes across much more effectively when I am able to speak quietly and clearly to the kids.

•Don’t compete for control with your partner. Work together and compromise when necessary. Power struggles don’t belong in partnerships.

•Kids have a natural tendency to try to “play” parents (perhaps particularly when there is a stepparent involved) against each other. Understand it, don’t hold it against them, but learn to communicate with your partner to avoid it.

When there are disagreements about what I call “house rules” (how old does our daughter have to be to date, how long is she allowed to talk on the phone, does our son get to go to a graduation party, etc.) the disagreements tend to stem from the differences in our backgrounds and the rules we had with our parents. We compromise a lot, and we forge a new path that makes both of us comfortable. We both realize that our parents didn’t have it exactly right, and that it’s ok to change the rules to keep up with the times, but when one of us has a strong feeling about something, we respect each other’s feelings, too.

Navigation. It’s about knowing which direction you’re headed and the best way to get there…and it’s also about helping each other find your way when you get lost or take a wrong turn. Raising kids, building a blended family…those things require a lot of navigation, and believe me, it’s ok to look at a few maps along the way.