One of the defeating habits in blended families is the habit of assigning the tasks the kids least enjoy doing to be the responsibility of the stepparent. How did we let this happen? How do we end up as the person in charge of table manners, and homework? Part of the problem, at least for stepmothers, is that children are most often accustomed to dealing with their mother, perhaps even more so since the divorce.

The first weekend my stepchildren, girls, almost six and four, came to stay with at our apartment, a strange thing happened. My new husband, who is an extremely attentive thoughtful person especially where I am concerned, turned into ‘Recliner Daddy’. At nine-thirty on Saturday night, I found myself in the tiny kitchen of our even tinier one bedroom apartment—a three year old tugging my shirt begging me to change the outfit on her Barbie and a six year old hollering that she can’t reach the towels. Their father was planted in front of a football game acting like he was alone in a sports bar.

What had happened? Had his body been invaded by some father out of a fifties sitcom? No. He’d regressed to the parent he’d been with his first wife and the children were going to the woman first as they did at home. This meant I had bath and bedtime duty. I was so flattered at first that I gladly took charge. Only later, when the issues requiring attention were homework and curfews, being in charge worked out to be a bad deal. I became identified as the disciplinarian and dad was the fun guy.

The simplest way to reset the system isn’t to turn every task that requires discipline—every task that needs to be accomplished that the children do not want to do—back to the father. It’s possible to strike a balance, though when behavior needs tightening, it’s better to let the father take charge. Keep in mind, letting him take charge does not mean telling him how he should oversee these tasks. Taking charge means he gets to do it his way. And no matter how sincerely you are concerned for the children’s school achievement or other accomplishment, he is always responsible for setting standards for his children.

The more important element in shifting out of being the one in charge of unpopular tasks, is to make sure that you are involved with the children in activities they enjoy. Maybe you read the story after the father has supervised the child’s cleaning up the bedroom. Also, take the children with you on projects you enjoy even if the activities aren’t centered around the children. They can go with you to a crafts show and be given an extra allowance for spending at the show. Get known as the easier ‘touch’, the one that can let loose and have fun. Sprinkle these activities with treats that are favorites of the children.

Resist the urge to be the one to ‘tighten up’ family outings. Resist the urge to ‘tighten up’ daily routines. Talk over your efforts with your husband to get his commitment and go out and have some fun with the kids.