The nature of the system in a blended family predisposes the biological parent to be more lenient with the behavior of the children and predisposes the stepparent to be more stringent with the rules. Simply stated, biological parents start out with a different commitment, particularly regarding the children’s ongoing happiness. This predisposition of the biological parent toward leniency receives a huge boost in commitment after a divorce or the death of a spouse.

What does this mean for the stepparent? First, it’s important to keep in mind that the biological parent isn’t going to view the children’s behavior with the same lens an outsider can provide. Nor will the biological parent “appreciate” the clearer vision of a stepparent. If you can keep these notions in mind, you will be less likely to hold on to frustration and less likely to expect total agreement on how the behavior of the children is best managed.

Rather than using time and energy trying to convince the biological parent to be more objective, the stepparent does better to concentrate on managing those behaviors of the children which most directly impact him or her or directly impact the smooth functioning of the family. Pick your battles. As an outsider, the stepparent is more likely to notice ways in which the children’s behavior can be improved in most activities of the family while the biological parent is concentrated on the children having a “positive” experience and positive memories of their time together.

Instead of setting your goals at the level of changing the children’s “attitude” or “approach” or “school progress,” select the area closest to your heart, the activity that matters most to you. For example, let’s say you are taking the children to visit your family for Sunday dinner. Instead of setting the goal that the children will be “good” and “not cause any problems,” you could have as your goals that the children take time to speak with each member of your family, help with clearing the table, and express thanks for the meal. Setting limited goals, you will have time to go over each one with the children expressing why you chose these behaviors as important to you. You have a chance to answer questions before you go and maybe even relate when and how you were taught these behaviors.
Remember, don’t be worried about the children’s overall “character.” When we get worked up, there’s a tendency to come across as if, should the children not comply, they are clearly headed for a life of crime. Focus instead on helping the children improve their behavior in the specific circumstances you’ve set out.

The children may transfer their new learning to other situations and they may not. It’s important to keep in mind, the stepparent is not the only influence, and indeed not the most powerful influence on the children’s behavior.