Every weekend has fun activities and errands and maybe even house chores. If we are not careful as stepmothers, we’ll end up with the responsibility for seeing that the unpleasant tasks are done and the biological parent will step into the picture when it’s time to have fun. This is more likely when you are a stepmother rather than a stepdad since men are less likely, no matter what we like to believe, to take responsibility for the housekeeping and meals.

The first weekend my stepdaughters stayed at our apartment, my husband turned into a man I did not know. He turned into the man he was in his first marriage.

My husband’s first marriage was based on traditional gender roles around the house. Though the model we’d worked out for managing the house and meals wasn’t traditional, with the arrival of his children he reverted to the role he was accustomed to and the girls reverted to their habits of expecting ‘mom’ to take care of the kitchen and bedtime. Though I was the new one in the family, when either child had a question about the household, that question would come to me. When one of the children asked their father a household related question, he referred them to me.

There are some positive aspects of having the ‘chief of the house’ role, but one of the downsides is that your activities with the children on the weekend are the ones that are less fun. To even out the activities, think of some fun things to do in between the chores. Alternate tasks with snack and game breaks when you can dedicate yourself to having fun with the children. Younger children need to be reminded during tasks that the good times are coming. Older children can last longer without breaks, but need longer and more significant time off. Running errands go from ‘boring’ to fun with followed by a dog or cat show.

While you as a stepmother make the effort to have your time with the children enjoyable when ‘getting things done’ around the house, it’s important to insist that the father take on some of the household chores involving the children. Even though he may have grown up in a traditionally run home and his first marriage may have followed the same model, it’s important for him to understand that a stepmother cannot take on the tasks with the children with the same ease as their mother. Wishful thinking aside, being a stepmother is different from being a mother, especially when it comes to supervising chores.

Children simply do not accept supervision by a stepmother with the same ease they accept supervision by their father or their mother. The fairytales do not come from nowhere. Thus, ask your spouse for support in dividing up household chores involving the children. The sooner in the marriage you discuss the issue of supervision of household chores, the better. Most of the time stepmothers, eager to fit in and help, take on too much responsibility in the beginning. As time goes on, we realize our mistake.

I’ve found that we are our worst enemies. The undone chores bother us and we give in. And we’re the ones stuck again trying to cajole cooperation when no one wants to do housework or help with meals. Take a stand and ask for understanding of “stepmother reality.”