What should stepchildren call their stepmother or stepfather? First, as is true in most situations involving blended families, there is no ‘should’, no rule at all. One of the important reasons behind the ‘no rules’ standard in deciding protocol in blended families is that no family is alike. Stepparents enter children’s lives at all different points in the life of the family. Sometimes the children are babies, sometimes they are grown and with families of their own. Usually, the younger the children, the more likely they will want to call the stepparent ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’. Older children, already calling adults by their first names, will likely choose given names.

The best guide in deciding what to call the stepparent is the comfort of both the stepparent and the children. When the choice is forced by either side, the result is likely to be disappointing. And example occurs when a mother remarries and requires her children to call their stepfather ‘dad’ in order to make herself more comfortable in the situation. Sometimes the children wish to call their stepfather ‘dad’, but if this is the case, they are best left to come to that conclusion on their own.

Sometimes, a parent in an effort to negate their first marriage or to undermine the children’s biological father, will require children to call their stepfather ‘dad’. In these situations, children usually comply, but end up distressed later. Just as a parent might require a child to use the terms ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ with a new spouse, some biological parents ‘forbid’ their children to call the new stepparent ‘mom’ or ‘dad’. In this situation, children, again will usually try to comply by referring to their stepparent by his or her name when speaking with the biological parent, then reverting to ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ when with the stepparent.

Sometimes the child wants to call the stepparent ‘mom’ or ‘dad’. This is happens more often common when the biological parent is deceased and the children is young. There shouldn’t be an assumption, however, that a child whose parent had died will want to use ‘mom’ or ‘dad’. In this situation, children sometimes hang even more strongly to calling only one person, the one who’s dead, by a parental name. A child who has experienced his biological mother or father as negligent or abusive may also be more likely to prefer endearing names.

The key is flexibility and leaving the child in charge of the decision. Encourage children to do what’s comfortable for them even when siblings make different choices. Like most features in a blended family, we can over-focus quickly on an issue such as what to call the stepparent. We can make a big deal out of the children’s choice and thereby make everyone uncomfortable. A name really is just a name and says nothing about the quality of the relationship.