The emotional system of the blended family tends toward emphasizing parent-child interactions over husband-wife interactions. Both the children and the adults are not sure of how to proceed, which means various issues around parenting can easily take over much, if not most, of the time the stepmother and her husband spend talking. The very issue that causes the most distress ends up the focal part of each day.

What can you do? First, recognize the way anxiety most often pops up in the family. The cycle begins with a child misbehaving or in some way falling short of the stepparent’s expectation. The stepparent reports or emphasizes the behavior to the parent. The parent defends the child and criticizes the stepmother. It’s not hard to see how an evening can go from here. The key is to recognize the pattern and refuse to let your marriage end up in this discouraging circle.

Remember that the pattern described above is a natural consequence of the blended family. Biological parents have a tie that the stepparent does not, at least not in the beginning and not without a lot of effort. The biological parents planned for the coming child before he or she was born, and usually dedicated themselves to the child’s care from the moment of birth. While divorce or death has interrupted that dedication, the biological parents experience the child as almost ‘part of them’. Biological parents are going to cut the child more slack and be more defensive about the child’s behavior.

Recognizing this reality can help let go of endlessly trying to fight against the tide. Because the biological parent has this tie to the child from his previous marriage does not say anything about the stepmother’s relationship with the father. In the middle of heated discussions about the child, the love in the marriage is often pitted against or compared to the tie the parent has with the child. When this happens, self-defeating ultimatums or comparisons are thrown into the mix.

The stepmother who can withdraw energy from arguments over children’s behavior and reinvest the energy in the husband-wife relationship can improve relationships in the entire system. One way to invest in the husband-wife relationship is to set aside time after the children are in bed to spend together, time during which the children aren’t mentioned. If your home is the weekend home, plan to go out to dinner or to a movie, just you and your husband, after dropping the children off at their other home. When taking trips with the children, plan the next weekend or the end of the trip as husband-wife time.

Explain your plan to your husband with something like, “By looking forward to some romantic time, it will be easier for me to dedicate myself to the children’s needs.” Most husbands welcome the idea because they look forward to less conflict while the children are there, and, they look forward to time with their wives.