One of the tough realities of being a stepmother is that the stepparent is a natural outsider. ‘Natural’ here is used in the sense that we humans are part of all living systems guided by emotional processes developed over hundreds of thousands of years.

Simply put, nature’s set up is for mother, father, and child to form the survival unit, in most cases. The survival unit is the family composition that makes it most likely that the children will be fed and safe until they break away to make their own families. The mother and father of the offspring are expected to be the adults most committed to the children’s survival.

In some species, tigers, for example, mother and child compose the survival unit and the father’s contribution is one two-day mating experience. In some species, the fathers will eat their young, some bird eggs are kept warm by the fathers. The purpose in bringing these critters into the thinking about the emotional process of being a stepmother is to provide a calm, more objective perspective to what is involved in a blended family.

Being a stepmother is hard and the better your understanding, the more likely you can approach your dilemmas in your new family with thoughtful strategies.

While the in-tact family may be the strongest ‘survival unit’, the realities of divorce and spouse death means that many of us are living in family units not quite matching the ‘survival unit’ plan. This means adaptations to the ‘natural’ system must be developed. It’s important to note, that just because a mother and father are the natural survival unit does not automatically mean that the ‘first’ family of the child is the ‘best’ or even safest situation in which to grow up. While the biological parent may have deep within him or her, the automatic need to protect the child, responding to that need in a way that benefits the child does not automatically happen.

When the marriage breaks down, the ability of the biological parents’ to provide a safe and healthy growing experience is downgraded. With a divorce and remarriage, a new model of family cares for the children, a model including stepparents, step-siblings, and often half-siblings. This can be a good thing for the child when the new family means even more functional adults can be relied on to respond to real needs.

As a stepmother, you enter this splintered system, usually without a full awareness of the complications ahead. Culturally, we like to pretend that being a parent and being a stepparent are similar positions. We also like to pretend that stepparents and parents feel the same about the children. Being a stepmother and being a stepchild are separate processes from becoming mother by giving birth and becoming a son or daughter as the wonderful surprise after nine months of waiting.

Becoming a stepmother doesn’t happen all at once and it is not for the weak at heart. If can approach your new family with objectivity and the determination to invent and work with ‘what is’, stepparenting pays off…not right away and not every day, but often enough to be worth the effort.