I’m not sure what’s happening the last couple of days, but for some reason I’ve been looking at my son, as if with new eyes, and I feel so blessed to have him. Of course I’ve always felt this way, but not in the particular sense that I’m discussing here now. This is a much more vivid and heightened sense of loving appreciation. It’s as if I’ve just awakened from some numbness and can see with such clarity and feel with such intensity the love there is between us. It’s a wonderful feeling, and I’m filled with such gratitude for having him in my life.

I’m not normally one for gushing on about this type of stuff, but there’s something very unusual about this ‘awareness’ that I’m experiencing. It’s like up to this point I’ve been taking Dean for granted or something, but only now I can see how utterly amazing he is and how extraordinarily lucky I am to have him as my son. I need to reiterate here that I have always felt so lucky to have Dean. He has been a Godsend to us and he’s the only reason we keep going since we lost Craig. But in the last two days it feels like my eyes and my heart have only truly opened up to the astonishing beauty and joy that Dean brings with his presence.

Dean was ill this week, with a very bad cold and we had to bring him to the doctor to be checked out. I’m not sure whether this has anything to do it. I can’t see how, because we’ve had to bring him to the GP before, even when he was a lot worse than he is now. But maybe something triggered inside me this time. Maybe, after losing Craig, somewhere subconsciously I’ve tapped into a vein of deepest fear. I used to be very blasé about the doctors. I was never a worrier. Whenever we brought Craig to the doctors I was always comfortable knowing that he would be ok in a matter of time. But when Craig didn’t get better, when Craig died, my way of thinking was forced to change. Whereas before I’d adopt the ‘chances are he’ll be fine. There’s no need to worry’ line, now I’m always focussing on the worst case scenario.

Maybe Dean being sick this week has resonated with that fear within me and that is why I’m absorbing every beautiful element of him.

This appears to be another aspect of losing a child that I’m only beginning to feel now. The contrasting combination of a deep-seated fear for your children that will no doubt live with you all your days, and the awakening of a heightened awareness and sense of gratitude for the blessings in your life.

It’s a curious combination, at a terrible price. Nothing ever is the same after losing your child.