Guest Author - Rebecca Wilson

The age difference between my 8- and 3-year-old daughters has been causing conflict between the two. My older daughter is about to turn 9 years old and has become rather motherly toward younger children. My younger daughter is turning 4 years old next week, and she is intent on being independent and self-sufficient. They both have strong personalities and will stand their ground when pushed. Needless-to-say, they seem to be perfecting the art of sibling rivalry.

Since arguing and an unwillingness to back down is most often the source of their conflict, I have been diligently working on this aspect of their relationship. Children will argue with each other because, well, they are children. Unless your daughter was born with the natural ability to resolve conflicts, she will need you to teach her how.

At my children's school, we learned about the Kelso's Choice program. I asked for a copy of the Kelso Wheel, attached it to the back of our front door then taught it to my entire family during one of our family nights. The program teaches children that arguments or conflicts can be categorized into small and big problems. If the problem is small, the children are taught to work it out using the wheel of ideas, such as choosing a different game to play or simply walking away. If the problem is big, they are taught to find a trusted adult to help resolve the conflict. When my daughters are arguing with each other, I stop them and remind them to make choices from the wheel. I remain close by to coach them as necessary so they can learn how to communicate effectively.

While my family enjoys the Kelso program, you can use any method of conflict resolution that works for your family. An effective conflict resolution program is one that teaches children to express their feelings descriptively using I-messages, such as "I feel _______ when you _______." or "I do not like when you _______ because _______." It will help parents learn the role of coach rather than teacher. Instead of telling your daughter how to resolve her situation, you will learn how to ask questions to aide her in resolving the conflict herself.

When looking for a conflict resolution program specifically for children, be careful to assess whether it is developmentally appropriate for the age of your daughter. An appropriate program for children will also teach your daughter when she should try to resolve the problem herself and when she should seek out a parent or trusted adult.

Encourage your daughter to practice and role play at times when there is no conflict so she will be more prepared in the heat of the moment when a conflict arises. As your daughter practices these skills, she will become more proficient and automatic about using them, and you will spend less time playing referee between siblings and friends.