Regret, regret, regret. What is it about that word that is so synonymous with tragedy and loss? It seems that whenever any of us lose a loved one or suffer some kind of tragic event, regret shows itself. I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week and decided to just scribble a little about it in this week’s article.

You see on the one hand there’s the global perspective that screams at you to stop regretting things. The logic of that loftier view speaks through your left brain telling you that EVERYONE feels regret in these situations and therefore there’s no substance or truthful relevance to your particular feelings. Yes there is factual marrow to the thoughts you harbour, but Regret, in truth, is itself just a natural process of grief – the by-product of a mind that wrestles with confused thoughts and highly charged emotions and which desperately searches for reason within the maelstrom. Every effect must have a cause and when faced with the ineffable loss that is your tragedy, the mind turns on itself for accountability. Regret is unavoidable.

The pain that courses through your veins must find an outlet. Retribution must be sought and blame fixed upon someone. Grief is like the drowning man: reaching out and grappling desperately for some kind of purchase. Anything is fodder for consumption in the throws of such distress. And like the drowning man, that which is closest is seized first. In grieving, that means you yourself . . . and so regret is born.

So what do we do when we are plagued with such regrets. Does it make a blind bit of difference to know that those regrets are just some NATURAL process, that you are going through some impersonal and well-established ABC of an extreme psychological condition. NO, is the answer. It doesn’t help in the least. In fact, the opposite can be the case. Being made to believe that those feelings you feel – the depths and uniqueness of them – are in fact only some robotic routine, devoid of merit and pith reduces your loss, and I repeat YOUR loss, to somewhat of a mathematical formula and therefore to a mere triviality which can be solved.

Those of us who have lost a child know that it is anything but a triviality. Like I mentioned before it is in fact an apocalypse. It is the end of days and your loss is far more than any ‘process of human behaviour’. There is no doubting it. But it is the substance of your regrets which is unique to you and yours to feel. And yet, should we beat ourselves up over these feelings of regret? We know that our reasons are unique to us, but should we stand back and choose to see from the global perspective, knowing also that the remorse IS a process? Can we take comfort and regain clarity in this knowledge. Does that knowledge trump or override the bitter regret felt? Indeed, should it?

I don’t know. What I believe, what I’ve experienced, has been a duality. I think back and I regret and I feel terrible. I feel those feelings in my stomach and know them. But then there’s my mind which seeks to soothe those pains by telling me that there is nothing to be gained from regretting and that the past should be left where it is. It reminds me of the ‘natural process’ that regret represents and that I need to look forward and not back. Redemption is the path ahead, all else is behind me.

So I suppose I don’t think there is any escape from those feelings of regret. They are to be felt and endured for a lifetime, but over that time I can only hope, less and less. In truth we need to be easier on ourselves but I’m just not sure how ‘easy’ that will prove to be.