Have you hit a bump in your relationship? Are you living like two roommates who come and go at different times? Maybe you think that you have outgrown your partner or you are attracted to someone new in your life, your true soul mate, instead of the annoying person you married who chews too loudly and forgets to wipe his feet at the door. Trapped and guilty, yet longing for better, you want to just open the door, run out and slam the gate shut behind you; however, something is still holding you back. Thank God because after awhile your true soul mate will end up annoying you too! Ironically, all these doubts and gnawing desires are trying to point you toward contentment. The problem is not with your lack-luster relationship; rather it stems from your own growing pains.

Please, take a moment to objectify and reconsider your situation. As you read these words, you see how cliché the scenario is. If this were a movie, you would probably leave in the middle because it’s so predictable. Your own fantasy for a dream life with a dream lover has ensnared you in a web. Why not use all that imagination and energy to reconnect with your significant other – the one you have invested time, money and children? If you are at peace with yourself, all your relationships, including your most intimate, will be peaceful. Feelings possess the power we give them, not the other way around.

The solution: Change your perception from outgrowing your partner to sharing your personal growth with your partner. It’s wonderful that you have grown because you have worked on yourself. Why not take that growth and use those positive traits to help your spouse grow too? Turn it around and be honest with yourself. Instead of always longing for more and finding fault with your spouse for not doing something for you, why not ask yourself what you have done for your spouse? Next ask yourself if your spouse has ever done anything positive for you – or is everything irritating?

Don’t be a hypocrite in your love relationship. Think about it inside out: There is really only one relationship you need to heal – the one with yourself! Take a love doctor’s oath:

• Above all, try to do no harm in your relationship; be kind and stop judging
• Make amends and forgive; one person can change the dynamics of a relationship
• See a relationship difficulty as an opportunity to learn something about yourself
• Each time we speak we can either help or obstruct our relationship
• Listen

---

Debbie Mandel, MA is the author of Changing Habits: The Caregivers' Total Workout and Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul, a stress-reduction specialist, motivational speaker, a personal trainer and mind/body lecturer. She is the host of the weekly Turn On Your Inner Light Show on WGBB AM1240 in New York City , produces a weekly wellness newsletter, and has been featured on radio/ TV and print media. To learn more visit: www.turnonyourinnerlight.com