I had planned an article on how to handle your student’s move for this week. But, after several e-mails from frantic parents, I’ve changed course. Today’s article touches on something many Western parents don’t like to broach with their children. In fact, many of us are truly uncomfortable with it. However, if your student is headed off to college this Fall, you need to make an effort to talk about… S-E-X.
“Oh, no!” You exclaim. “We’ve already had that talk.” (And there’s no way we’re going through it again!) I sympathize, really. But it needs to be done.
According to a 2005 report from the Kaiser Family Foundation, the number of U.S. teens in grades 9 through 12 that have reported sexual activity hovers around fifty percent. The typical age U.S. teens begin engaging in sexual activity is about age 17 for both boys and girls. What this means for you is that there is a 50/50 chance your teen will have already experimented with sex by the time he/she heads off to college. You’re looking a little pale. Take a deep breath.
The S-E-X talk you have with your teen now needs to focus not on abstinence (sorry, based on statistics from the U.N., the C.D.C. and other agencies, that’s a practice that’s not having a major impact in the U.S. anyway); but on responsibility. Your child is an adult now—almost—and if he/she chooses to engage in sexual activity, there’s not much you can do to prevent it. What you can do, however, is make sure they have sufficient knowledge and information to make an informed decision regarding their sex lives.
Here are some of the things I suggest you pursue.
- Remind your teen that sexually transmitted diseases exist. The only way to “guarantee” you don’t become infected is complete abstinence (no touching of any kind, anywhere, at all). The likelihood that your teen will choose abstinence in his/her college years is less than fifty percent. Rehash the STD issue, show them pictures, help them understand the future ramifications should they contract an STD. Information and awareness does help them make better decisions! (Did I already say that?)
- Talk about love and relationships. Encourage your teen to get to know his/her partner before ever contemplating having sex. Whether American parents like it or not, sex does happen outside of marriage and committed relationships. But your teen needs to have at least thought about their “relationship” and be close enough to the other person to have discussed his/her sexual history, infectious disease status, and disease/pregnancy prevention prior to engaging in sex.
- Help your teen understand that two people are involved in sex, and both parties are responsible for making sure there are no unintended consequences. To be blunt, this means the guys use prophylactics and the girls use some form of birth control or there is no sex.
- Mention campus health services now and discuss the services your teen can obtain on campus (STD counseling, health screenings/tests, possibly birth control or referrals to health centers or physicians outside the school’s health center that can assist them with birth control).
- Talk about dating, sex, violence and abuse. In life, things happen and your teen needs to be aware of things to look out for.
- Discuss the alternatives available should your teen become pregnant or father a child. Even if you have issues with some of the alternatives, your teen will be the one deciding how to deal with the pregnancy. The more they know, the better able they are to make solid decisions. (Sorry, I just can’t repeat this enough.)
- Give them the opportunity to ask questions and try to give honest, non-judgmental responses.
- Let your teen know that you are there for them should they ever want/need to talk about dating, relationships, sex, STDs, pregnancy, or anything else. You’re just a phone call, e-mail or IM away.
If you would like to read up on sex and the college student, I suggest Evelyn Lerman’s Safer Sex-The New Morality. It’s a good primer on the status of sex, teens and the modern era.
Until next time!
Lynn Byrne
Preparing for college admissions? Trying to find direction? Need a little help with the planning? Check out my college planning series:
- College Planning Made Easy--the planning and preparation workbook for the take charge, college-bound student,
- Paying for College Made Easy--a college financing guide designed to assist students and families in preparing and planning for higher education expenses; and
- The Great Scholarship Search--my guide for students and parents researching and applying for scholarship funding.
