Guest Author - Lauren Evans

Big Brother 9 is well and truly in final countdown mode. It’s all the housemates have been talking about this week, and everyone is trying desperately to work out how things will pan out over the next two weeks.

In weeks 11 & 12, we lost Stu & Nicole (the deeply unpleasant Nicole managed to secure 94% of the public vote even though she was up against both Lisa and Sarah – a Big Brother record!), leaving 8 potential candidates still in the house. Here are my predictions for the eviction order over the next fortnight.

Darnell - Darnell has always been a volatile character in the house, but his misogynistic behaviour over the past fortnight has made him the prime candidate for the boot. Since he realised he wasn’t going to bed his lovely friend Sarah, he has been acting in a thoroughly evil fashion towards her. His vile behaviour needs to end, and providing that the other housemates nominate him this week, I believe that the public won’t hesitate to get him out!

Rex - During his brief stint as Head of House, Rex pandered to Nicole’s every whim, including spending £150 of the shopping budget on “rent” for the luxury bedroom so that Nicole could straighten her hair on her eviction night. The housemates are sick of his constant whinging, he wanted Nicole in the house so much for the first few weeks, but when it actually happened, they spent the whole time arguing with each other. Rex has lost any credibility that he once had with the house and the public, and it’s unlikely that he has much time left.

Sara - The friendly Australian has been a fair-to-middling housemate. Housemates that come in after the show has begun often have a hard time of it, as alliances have been forged between the contestants and the public already have a good idea of their favourites. She’s done well to make it this far, but because she hasn’t done anything particularly wonderful or particularly naughty, it’s unlikely that she’ll knock the real favourites off the top spots.

Mohamed - Greedy Mo has been a fun housemate, with a reputation for scoffing everything in sight and farting like crazy. Unfortunately, as the house enters its final days, it’s likely that housemates will look for potential scapegoats and attack them hard; with the intention of making the public vote them out. While Mo often has good intentions, he is not skilled in the art of confrontation, and often digs himself a hole while trying to articulate his point. Sadly, I think this habit will lead to Mo’s eviction prior to the final.

Final Four

Rachel - Rachel has been consistently lovely and good-natured throughout BB9. She’s made tough decisions where required and has sacrificed her own luxuries for others. Post-BB, she’ll go back to lovely Wales and her lovely boyfriend and have a lovely life, regardless of the outcome. For this reason, I don’t think she’ll inspire people to pick up the phone and vote for her to win.

Mikey - Mikey is currently bookie’s favourite to win the series, but I have more faith in the British public than that. Surely people have noticed that Mikey’s got a real problem with women? I loved his Week 12 nominations. 1st - Nicole, because she’s Rex’ girlfriend, and Rex is evil to her and he hates Rex. 2nd – Sarah, because she loves Rex, and Mikey hates Rex. Hey Mikey, here’s a novel thought – why not vote for Rex? What a numpty. Mikey’s funny and articulate, but he’s a bit bitter and weird at times. Please don’t let it be true that the reality TV show winner must always be the one who has faced the most adversity! Please Britain, let it just be the best contestant!

Lisa - Ah, Lisa. You are orange, you dress like Jet the gladiator and you believe in alien abductions. After seeing your beefcake David-Brent-a-like Mario enter the garden yesterday and propose to you, you must be over the moon! We truly love you Lisa, we love your rock-hard thighs and nonsensical blatherings. But Kathreya must win, which means that you must come second.

WINNER

Kathreya

Kathreya, when others argue and shout and whinge, you sing funny cute songs in the pool to yourself. Your only moans have been when you weren’t allowed to eat a cookie and that time when they wouldn’t let you have your underwear. You’ve kept your perspective all the way along – you understand that it’s just a TV show and that there’s nothing wrong with a “Happy House”. You wear the strangest clothes. You cry when electrocuted, but you don’t take off your shock-suit! You absolutely must must must must win.

That’s my humble opinion anyway, even if the bookmakers don’t agree!