Guest Author - Paula Petrie

If getting your child to do something, anything, causes you to feel angry, challenged, or even defeated, your relationship is probably lost in midst of a power struggle.

Does your child’s disagreeable behavior continue, or even get worse, when you ask him to stop? Does he argue the tiniest point, frustratingly ignore you, or just walk away like he isn‘t even aware that you are speaking to him? Or, does he politely say he will do as you ask, but never gets around to it?

Your child is busy learning decision making, problem solving, and self reliance skills. He is also learning that defiance gives him power. Skills by default. And, he is probably fueling his defiance with self talk like, “Why do you get to decide everything?”

Power struggles can start as early as 6 months, when you try to diaper a baby interested in doing something else. A three year old can yell, “You're not the boss,” or dawdle when you are trying to get out the door. Teenagers may just ignore you completely.

How did you get to this point? Take a look at your own reactions. Are you trying to “fix” the situation by controlling it? Although, it seems like a great idea to the weary; a healthy relationship can’t develop in a domain you command. The experts advise us that combative reactions, such as the following, need to be avoided:

giving warnings, “Do that one more time.”
demands, “ Come here now!”
threats, “Now, or bed!”
controlling choices, “No, you can’t.”
criticizing, “What is the matter with you?”
directing, “I said, put on your blue shoes”
managing behavior, “We need to comb your hair”
punishing, “Sit there till I say you can get up”
giving up, “I don’t care what you do”

What’s left? Respectful, interactive dialogue. You need and want a cooperative relationship. Your child needs and wants to make, at least some, of his own decisions.

Assess the situation, when kids are too wrapped up in what’s going on to come when called, go to them.

Instead of a warning, an explanation of why the behavior isn’t acceptable, followed by a time out, or redirection, when the behavior is repeated.

Show empathy for his emotional state. Is he tired? Does he really hate shopping? Never under value the power of a hug.

Always be on the look-out for simple ways to help him improve his decision making, problem solving, and self reliance skills. This subtly shows him respect.

Don't trick yourself into thinking as a mom you've got it all together. The more you allow yourself to grow and learn, the better chance your children will have to do the same.