“I have HIV.”

Those are scary words to hear someone you love say. If someone you care about has told you that they have HIV, chances are good that you are having mixed emotions. On one hand, you want to be supportive. On the other, you probably have fears and questions. For some, there are religious concerns that need to be addressed. Where to begin?

First of all, there is no one way to approach it. Your needs will be different depending on who the person is and your own world view. I’ll give you some suggestions but don’t feel limited by these. There are as many possibilities as there are readers of this article.

Learn as much as you can about HIV. Read current information, though, not older material, at least at first. For example, When the Band Played On by Randy Shilts is a great book about the history of HIV. However, it was published in 1987, so it paints a bleak portrait of HIV. These days, HIV is treated more like a chronic disease than like something that is going to be immediately lethal. Learning about HIV may ease some of your fears about the immediate future of your friend.

Ask your loved one what you can do to help. They, of course, know best what will help them. Maybe they just need someone to talk to about it. Maybe they could use help with getting whatever services they need. Perhaps being moral support while they tell other people. The thing is, keep asking. Don’t pester the person check in every so often to see how they are.

Examine your own biases. Do you have thoughts or feelings about what the person was doing that lead to their getting HIV? Deal with those. There are websites, such as The Balm in Gilead (there’s a link under “Religion.”) It’s written specifically for African Americans but the information is useful for all of us.

Find others you can talk to about it. You may want to talk to your counselor or pastor. You want to maintain the privacy of the person who has HIV, but talking to someone who can help you sort out your own feelings can be helpful.

Be an advocate. Once you’re feeling more comfortable and have enough information, speak up when people talk about HIV. You don’t want to “out” your friend, but correcting misinformation about HIV is important. Write letters to the editor of your newspaper and other publications about HIV related things. For example, if there is an article that you realize is biased, give the other side. Write to tell people about HIV/AIDS events that are coming up such as World AIDS Day, Youth AIDS Day or The Black Church Week of Prayer for the Healing of AIDS. Let people know that HIV isn’t something that happens to “other people.” It can happen to people they know, it can happen to them.

Work through those mixed feelings, sort out your biases and you can be a support for your loved one.