When should you tell someone you’re dating – or interested in dating – that you have HIV? For many people, that’s a tricky question. Do you do it on your first date? When you accept the date? Five minutes before you have sex for the first time? After you have sex?

In many states, a person who has HIV is legally required to tell any sex partners that they have HIV before they have sex. The law, as usual, doesn’t actually give a person any guidance on when or how to do it. “Sex,” according to the government, is any sexual contact, not just intercourse. So, if you have oral sex – whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of things – you still have to disclose. Even if you live in a state that doesn’t require it, it’s the responsible thing to do. Aside from that, do you really want to deal with someone’s fears and anger after the fact? It will be harder to gain their trust since they may well feel that you were dishonest in not telling them.

“Before you have sex” is still a murky answer. People do different things, sometimes the same person will do different things depending on to whom they are disclosing.

For example, if you’re talking to someone online, you may not want to disclose until you have had several conversations or until just before you decide to meet in person. If you’re at a bar and it looks like things are going to get up close and personal, you might want to tell them right then. In that situation, you’ll want to be sure that you are safe in case the person gets angry. Be sure your friends are around and that someone is paying attention to what’s going on. Misconceptions about HIV and prejudice against those who are infected are, sadly, all too common.

If you’re more the sort to develop a relationship before having sex, then you have more options. Some people wait until sex or HIV in general just comes up. Others are more direct in their approach and when they start to think they are going to want to have sex with the person, they tell them. Others wait until a close relationship forms.

There is no one right way. There are people who think that they want to know right up front if the person they are interested in is going to have a problem with their HIV status. Others think that if the person gets to know them first, they’ll have an easier time of it. You are the only one who can determine the best time to make your disclosure.