I’m writing this article today after some consideration as to where I’m at with my grief. Someone asked me recently how I was, and offered their assumption that “it must be easier now,” with the passing of years. This ill-advised utterance had the effect, among many others I can assure you, of forcing me take stock of where I actually am.

I’ve been drifting along for nearly two and a half years now since Craig passed away and I’m really not sure how to fully answer that question. To be honest I’m not even sure whether it’s a question that I need to answer. Maybe things and situations just ARE. Maybe everything shouldn’t be compared or yardsticked, and maybe personal situations and states of mind should be felt, acknowledged and nothing more. Evaluating, understanding and concluding may not always be applicable in all cases. Sometimes there’s nothing to be gained by it, other than turmoil and negativity caused by a vague and unjustified sense of failure and regret. I don’t know, maybe some things are better just left alone.

But the question did make me think. Like I said above, it’s been almost two and a half years now and my life in that time has been so very different to all the years that came before it. I have been pretty much unemployed in all that time, aside from some freelance work and occasional holistic treatments. This has left my financial present, and prospects for the future, in complete tatters and has silently eaten away at any pride and self confidence that I may once have had. I populate a world, sometimes, which consists only of me – so lost am I since losing Craig. I have invested time, study and money into different plans and ideas and watched as none of them came to any good. I have tried and I have failed so that I no longer know why I bother. But I do. I’m at a point in my life where I do not know where to go next and am even more uncertain as to how I’m to achieve any kind of happiness for the remainder of it.

I guess to sum up – I just AM. I get up at the beginning of the day, love my partner and BOTH my sons and sleep at the end of it. If for nothing else, I am grateful for this. That is all I can do now except only to hope that one day the wind will be at my back once again. That’ll have to do for now.