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Sometimes I Don't Know What to Write
Each week it is my responsibility as the editor for the Child Loss site to write an article on the worst possible subject imaginable, losing my daughter. I have a long list of article topics to write about and each week I refer to that list for inspiration and guidance. I add to this list frequently as Iím beginning to realize that, like the pain I feel each moment of every day, there is no end in sight as to how much can be written.
When I first decided to apply for this task, I wrote down what my objectives were in doing this. There were many reasons, but ultimately it had to be a task I would take on only if it might possibly be helpful to someone else. My role is to offer love and support and share with you what has worked or not worked for me in this most devastating time.
Last week I reviewed my list of topics. I tried to write several times. I had nothing in me to keep me in line with my goals. I couldnít get out of my own way enough to write something that might be useful to someone else. Iím hurting. Iím angry. But I donít believe in compromising my goals in order to just post something.
But last week I did. I posted a poem I had previously written to my daughterís friends. I took the easy road. I caved. I felt as though I had let myself and others down.
As it turns out, last weekís experience is this weekís article. It is a true example of how up and down we can be with our feelings during this unfortunate journey. Itís an example of the confusion and mental disruption we try to combat each day. After losing your child, it is a very conscious, very difficult process to carry on with the next moment. After you do this for a while, trying to survive takes its toll and you need to step back and allow yourself to falter. And itís ok.
My second thought after last weekís experience was that itís ok to be easy on ourselves. In fact, we need to be easy on ourselves. We try and try and try to put a step forward (not our best foot forward, just a foot) day after day after day. Sometimes we canít manage that next moment; rather than thinking that we are failing, we need to stop and console ourselves. Itís ok that we canít handle everything, even the small things, and that we miss steps along the way.
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