On the Adoption Fence

On the Adoption Fence
Some people know that they want to adopt from the start. They may or may not have biolocial kids, but either way, adoption is a route that they plan on pursing.

Others have trouble going from the infertility struggles to adoption. It’s not that they are against adoption—they may think adoption is a wonderful way to create a family. They just aren’t sure if it’s the way they want to create their family. This can result from a lack of knowledge and experience about adoption.

Here are some common thoughts and questions that occur in some people who are on the adoption fence.
  1. ”I just don’t know if I could love a child that wasn’t born into our family.”

    Most families will tell you that you don’t love a child who was adopted less than you love a biological child. However, if you feel like you truly can’t love a child that isn’t biologically related to you, then it is right to re-think adoption. It’s not fair to the child or to yourself to bring a child into your home, not knowing if you will fully consider that child as your child.

    I want to make the clear distinction that sometimes parents have trouble bonding with their child (both biological and adopted)in the first few months home. This is not the same thing as never accepting your child because of the fact he is adopted.

  2. ”I’m so worried my child won’t look a thing like me!”

    There are numerous families where biological members don’t look a thing alike. Don’t get too consumed by this thought—regardless if you’re having a biological child or pursing adoption.

  3. ”I’m scared to go to an adoption support group or meeting; everyone there is so much more knowledgeable about adoption. I think I’ll feel so out of place!”

    Guess what? All of those knowledgeable people there were once in your shoes, wanting to learn more about adoption but nervous at the same time. They are there to help, and let you know their experiences. Sometimes meeting parents and their children who have completed the adoption process makes it easier to learn about adoption, without being overwhelming. It becomes another way to create a family instead of this huge option that you’ve never quiet researched in the past.

  4. ”I’m still having feelings of loss/grief over my infertility or failed pregnancies, even though it’s been a long time.”

    This is very real, and understandable. Do not hesitate to talk with someone about your feelings; preferably, someone who has experience is this area (such as a licensed therapist). You want someone who will acknowledge what you’re going through without judgment, and give you tools for moving forward—be it going through more fertility treatments, attending an adoption workshop, or simply taking a break for a while.
As you decide which side of the adoption fence you want to be on, remember to reach out to others who have been on the same fence.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about going from infertility to adoption on the Adoption forum.

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