Trying to create a family can be stressful enough by itself. When it comes to adoption, the stress can triple if not everyone is on the same page. Often, the more one tries to push towards adoption, the other spouse may be running in the opposite direction.
If you and your spouse find yourself at odds when it comes to adoption, take a deep breath, and follow these guidelines.
- Don’t blame your significant other for their feelings. Not understanding them is one issue, but placing blame on them for not wanting to adopt does more harm than good.
- Discuss each person’s deep thoughts on adoption. Are fears based on being a parent, or the adoption process?
- Consider your spouse’s point of view. Does he or she have a valid point for not wanting to adopt? Could there be a job change, move or other major life event that may happen?
- Consider attending an adoption meeting or workshop—not as a way to change someone’s mind, but as a way to learn more as a family. You can talk about how excited you are to adopt until you’re blue in the face, but hearing it from someone who has adopted is a whole different experience. Sometimes, the point is better made by those who have adopted. They see it’s simply another way to create a family.
- Don’t become so consumed by thinking about adoption that you neglect your marriage. Take a break from researching websites, blogs and books and go on a date with your spouse. Do not attempt to fill in every minute of conversation with adoption chatter.
- Do send relevant websites you think your partner might be interested in, if he is agreeable to at least take a look. Do not send ten of these a day, however. You don’t want to hit your spouse with information overload.
- Ask yourself and your spouse some hard questions. If infertility is an issue, how have you coped with those emotions? What are your emotions about infertility? It’s not unusual to need guidance from a licensed therapist if one or both of you is having a hard time moving on.
