Guest Author - Kelli Deister
This article is one written from the perspective of the victim of child abuse. For so many that have endured child abuse, there are questions that they have longed to ask their abuser. For obvious reasons, they were never able to ask those questions. Therefore, it is my goal, in this article, to present those questions to the abuser. Granted, their abusers will most likely never see this article and will probably never have to answer those questions; however, I believe that seeing the questions in writing can help to bring some level of validation to the survivor of child abuse. From this point on, the article will be directed to the abuser with the questions that I believe the victim and survivor longs to ask.
Why did you do it? You said you loved me. You said I could trust you. But, day after day you hurt me. You hit me with your thick belt and the metal buckle. When I yelped out in pain, you ignored me. Why did you do it? You hit me with the wire hanger until I had thin welts on my body. Why? You squeezed my arm so tight that it left bruised imprints of your fingers. Why did you do it? You told me that no one could ever possibly love me. You said I was unlovable. Why? Why did you do it?
What did I do to make you so angry that you hurt me so badly? You called me stupid every day. You told me you didnít want me. You said I was a mistake. I carried those words around in my heart everyday and the pain that came with them. Why did you do it? You said that because I was a child I didnít know anything about anything. When I tried to talk to you, you laughed at me. Why did you do it? What did I do? Why did you hurt me? Did you hate me that much?
I tried as hard as I could to make you happy. Everyday I walked on eggshells and tried to adjust what I said and how I behaved according to the mood you were in and the look on your face. There were days when I really wanted and needed to talk to you, but I couldnít because you were angry at me again. Why were you angry at me? Why did you ignore me? Why werenít you there for me? I was so young. I needed your love. Why couldnít you love me? Why couldnít I please you? I tried so hard to make you happy. Didnít I do anything that made you happy or proud of me? Or was everything I did an embarrassment to you? When I tried to talk to you, you hurt me with your fists or your words. Why did you do it?
I was quiet when you ordered me to be quiet. When you said I wasnít allowed to talk, I listened to you. But, you still hurt me. You said kids are supposed to be seen and not heard. I tried as hard as I could to be quiet. But, if I giggled quietly you got angry. You hurt me because I was too noisy. You spanked me and it hurt. Why did you spank me and hurt me for giggling? Why wasnít I allowed to be happy? Why did you do it?
I stayed away from you so that you couldnít hurt me. But, you found me anyway. When I came home from school, I went straight to my room to do homework. When it was dinner time, I came to the table to eat with you and was as quiet as I could be. I knew that you were in a bad mood. I knew that if I said one wrong thing I would be in trouble with you. I went to my room early, to go to sleep before you could get mad at me and hurt me again. But, you found me anyway. I had fallen asleep and you came into my room and hurt me. You touched me in places you shouldnít have. You did things to me that no man is supposed to do to a little girl or a little boy. When you were done you said that I deserved it. You said that you loved me and this was your way of showing love to me. Why did you do it?
Did you not realize the scars that your abuse would leave on me? Did you not know that it would mess me up in my mind? Did you not know that my body would forever carry those physical scars? Did you not understand that I would forever be tormented by what you did to me? Or did you just not care? Why did you do it?
Why did you do it? Forgiveness is something that does not come easy, especially when trying to deal with such horrific incidents of pain and trauma. I donít understand what you were thinking, or if you were thinking at all. I donít understand why it happened. I donít understand how nobody else saw it. Why did you do it? I hated you for so long. I hated you for what you did to me. I hated you for making me an object of your rage. I hated you for violating my body, mind, and soul. It was my body, my mind, and my soul, not yours! Why did you do it? Why? I will probably never understand the whys of it all. I may have to deal with these questions for the rest of my life and never find out the answers.
You can no longer hurt me. I donít live with you anymore. I am not your vehicle of pain any longer. You cannot touch me! You will never hurt me again!